Dear D',
Do we mourn for the dead or for the absence of the personalities we prefer?

Always.

Noise

This place has killed my voice. My insides scream, but I don't know how to speak. My silence has isolated me from the outside world.

Letter 2

Dear D prime,
Sometimes, you chase your dreams too badly or try to fight for what you believe in too desperately and eventually that's what that takes you even farther away from your goals. You realise, all that struggle you did while thinking that it would be for the better, not only meant nothing but also is the reason behind your failure.
That is when you stop believing in things or ideas. That is when you have nothing to hold on to. That is when you give up.

Hp.

Letter 1

Dear D',
Why do we say the right things to the wrong people?


Always.

Nowadays tears

dont come when i am sad. they come when theres good news. i hope this gets over soon.

i wish i could let of those memories. they belong to different parts of my timeline. i have learnt to let go of many desires, loved ones, dreams, expectations. but these memories refuse to get overwritten by the new ones. they are surprisingly helpful sometimes. when i get caught up in my present, i think about those incidents and the emotions i had felt during those moments. i need a few more years, few more incidents, few more shocks and surprises. 

To remember

I want to record a particular day in my life(technically 2 days) so that in future during moments of doubts and confusion i remember that we should not make assumptions of what we are capable of. i am not going to boast in this post. its just that sometimes its ok to admire oneself, especially in my case because all my life i have been giving people respect by default without verifying wther they deserve it or not.
It was a friday. my friend had not been feeling well throughout the week. that evening it became worse, he went to the pompiers to be sent to the hospital as recommended by the doctor. the pompiers didnt listen to him and sent him back. i had gone too, to convince them but they were being deaf to us and the doc. he had great difficulty in climbing back and so we waited in the staircases. people laughed at us coz they thought we were being naughty in the dark. i took him to his room to wait for the sos doctor. it was already 1am. he couldnt sleep, his head was hurting. i was blank, emotionless and confused. i brought him food, pillow, meds. nothing comforted him.he hadnt got sleep for last 2 days. i kept all the emotions out. i sat beside him, waiting for the doc to come. he came at 3am. i went down to meet him and show him up. he did checkups and tests. let me skip a bit.
my friend couldnt sleep even after the doc left. it was 5am when we had to call pompier again and this time they took him to the hospital. i slept and woke up at 7am. i had to go pay the bill otherwise they would sue me. the place was very far away deep inside paris. no breakfast, i took a few biscuits with me, cost me 1 euro for 5. i went down lozere steps, bought tickets till massy. from massy i took rer c for the first time. i had to wait a lot and the platform was like sealdah. then a doubledecker train came. i went upstairs and started sleeping. i was feeling nausea and hunger. biscuits helped. i woke up from time to time to check with my friend. once i woke up and found the train crowded. my stop came very late. when i got down, i realised via maps that i have to walk 1.5 kms now. it was very hot and sunny. the roads were not walk friendly. so i started my "trek" when i came to a bus stop. it went till the hospital(where i was supposed to pay the bill)!!
but once i got down i again had to walk a lot till i reached the campus. i couldnt take off the layers of clothes i was wearing, the heat was unbearable. at the reception they said the office was closed. i almost fell.
she said i can write a cheque. saved!
then walking, bus, train to notredame. i was feeling lonely there coz everytime i go to saint michel de notredame my friends are there. i walked to a nearby mcd. i was wishing that someone might make a film on me, me sitting alone on those high chairs, eating a lonely sandwich with the big glass window overlooking those happy faces and romantic couples. again i took the train, the bus and finally reached my room. was too tired to visit him in the hospital.
its amazing that i did all this but i dont want it again. 

So today i finally went to a psychologist. and it was such a disappointment. i just had to repeat the bad things about my life and heard from her how my life is hard and not normal. i know that already! and i pity myself for that. and when i was walking through the corridor to service medicale towards her chamber, i definitely had one thing in mind-- i am sure she will stop this self pity business. she will give some solutions.
i have several sessions coming up.
My leg is hurting occasionally. i hope i can do sports soon. thats a very good therapy. i feel normal and like how i was in 8th standard.

Recently, one of my close friends posted a pic with the two of us in it. we were very small, we didnt even know what posing in front of the camera meant. we stared at the lens without thinking about changing dps or posting it on the net.we didnt care how our hair was or how we should smile or at what angle we should tilt our head. we didnt fantasise about the likes we might get or the comments that might follow. it was merely an interruption to the fun that we were having. i looked like a boy; rather, i looked very much unlike now(even my boyfriend couldnt recognise). Short "boys'cut" hair, huge eyes, big head, lose tshirt(probably my brother's). from childhood i also loved to be like a boy. or maybe, i didnt want to be a girl. my brother was my idol and i followed everything that he did. i wore his clothes, hated make up and played with guns and cars. i dont know how i learnt to hate the barbies in the shops or the earrings and the lipstick. i just remember hating them all. and i was somewhat proud when my mother used to say that i dont like to dress up like normal girls. another thing was dance. i never ever danced. it was just not my thing. in my head i always pictured myself as the younger brother. so when my breasts started coming out and my mom bought for me girls' underwear i revolted. i hated my body so much and tried my best to hide the weird shape of my chest. i started preferring baggier clothes and rejected everything that was fitting. in school, i used to be the nerdiest in my group. no girly clothes, no fancy jewellery, no kajol. i tied my hair so tightly backwards for more than 10 yrs that my forehead became a football court. i had a superiority complex over females who look good with make up. i always focused on my studies and told myself that i dont care about being a girl, i dnt care about looks.
After all these years i ask myself why i hated it when my sisters used to forcefully put lipstick on me or make me look like a girl and i realised that i always hated the concept of girl. i hated the "meyeliness", their behaviour, their overreactions to babies, giggling over boys and trying to look pretty. to me, being a girl was a weakness, a truth that i couldnt escape from. no matter what i did, my brother always treated me like something less. so did i. when i was in 5th, i told myself that i should be liking biology and be afraid of mathematics although i had no reason to because i used to get the highest in the same. i remember admiring my guy friends in class about how awesome they are in physics and mathematics and that i will never be like them coz i am a girl. till 12th i tried to maintain my non-girl appearance and often wondered why the guys never had a crush on me like they did on my friends. the girl with makeup would easily become my least favourite. even my mom used to criticise the girls in her school who wore makeup. and i never learnt how to dance. forget traditional dances, not even with friends. everybody dances, and i stand. coz i have no idea what i am supposed to do. so stiff i become.
things have changed now. often i have the desire to be beautiful and wonder what should i wear or how should i keep my hair. the old me inside would start with all that "you are getting distracted, you should be studying" but i protest that what is wrong in trying to look good? is looking good a girl thing? even if it is, why is it wrong? why is it not as "intelligent"or "smart" if a guy shows his muscle? why is being a girl a sign of weakness? why do i need to have the "man's qualities" to be strong?
i am so shocked that sexism is so deep inside me.

The eyes.

The lips.

Today i made my first pencil sketch of a human(live). My professor was teaching politics of France and suddenly i had this idea of how to spend 1h 30 without sleeping. Before i always used to draw leaves and flowers. I got tired of my own drawings. So i started drawing parts of faces. Today i thought of finishing the entire face.

He liked it a lot and took a photocopy. Everyone was praising and i also was very surprised that i drew something to do with humans. i wasnt fully satisfied thought because the face of my professor is very calm and innocent and in this picture i made him a mechand. so i decided to learn properly how to do pencil sketches. i found a very nice website where they show step by step how to draw. here goes my first attempt of drawing an eye after visiting the website.

Looking forward to improve more. and also to succesfully draw 2 symmetric eyes :/

Was reading old posts. They make me happy , i feel protected. Is it strange? Being protected by memories? and images, and familiar stories. What i was before make me believe that i will be fine tomorrow.
Time is flying. it always did. so many times i wished that it passed faster. but now, i just try to to catch moments and hold on to them. but those happy hours just slip through my fingers. and i find myself walking alone. Here the roads are truely empty. Unlike Kolkata, where you just cant be on your own. Here its just emptiness. and silence. and closed shops with expensive clothes on display. How do people live here? I am in this neighbourhood for 2 and a half months but i have never seen the person who lives next door. the dog barks sometimes. what do they do all the time inside? dont they get tired of each other?
No actually, too many people tire you. But emptiness just makes you think, write blogs, remember.
The movie, Life(Part-2) began. i couldnt wait for it to release. counted months, weeks, days and hours. dreamt and planned. i never stopped to think that i will never be back. all that was so absolutely around me would just be gone. the people, the traffic, the food, the noises. they will be gone forever. the feeling of belonging to that place is gone because now you know that you cant stay.
 i planned how i am going to deal with situations here, how i will talk to people, how i will deal with homesickness, etc. and i am doing fine. but i never rehearsed the feeling how i wont be in kolkata anymore.
My greatest fear while growing up was that i would permanently be in that environment with a mediocre life and unfulfilled dreams. Now here i am in a first world country, studying the subject i want to, getting scholarship. its already not mediocre. and i dont want to ruin it by looking back. from my childhood i disliked many things of my life over which i had no control. i had no choice but accept it as a part of life. this is the beginning of a second life. all over again and this time i get to decide how things will be. maybe ill have a new set of dislikings. but this wonderful feeling of independence and having control on your life and getting to make your own decisions is overwhelming. as if someone has given me colours and a blank sheet of paper. with the brush in my hand, i can draw whatever picture i want. 

The world is a funny place. You give a person all the reasons to love you and want you and she/he just doesn't open her/his eyes. And some people love and care for you just like that. Not just  parents or close relatives, people who r not obliged to hv any kind of concern for you, protect and shower love.

Then there is the weird chasing game. You dont like something unless you have to chase it. But after sometime you get tired of chasing because that thing doesnt ever come to you fully.You get hurt, pause for a minute and then realise that the reason you love it is because it never surrenders to you. Then you get up and chase again. This goes on for a long time when finally you fall really hard, break your bones and bleed. When you recover, you are so scared of everything that you start running away. You become the target of the chasers now. You run and run and run till you are very tired. You feel like stopping for it. But when it catches up with you, you feel trapped. 

Happiness is deceptive.

Hate saturdays like this. Nothing to do. no rather i feel like doing nothing. the room has yellow light which makes everything even more triste. except for the getting up at 8am in the morning, i miss weekdays. atleast the day's schedule has been made for you. on weekends, you only have to make plans and involve others or just be alone. facebook is boring. so is french. i like math.
i miss india on weekends. there would be so many people at home. chats with ma. getting pampered by grandparents. going out with family to anywhere.  i could go to so many different places which are within 2km from my house.
here its just dogs and houses and more houses and dogs. i hope life at ecole polytechnique campus would be better. but i will miss pierre and domi.
one might ask, do i wish to be with my family? am i homesick? no i prefer this i guess...missing home while studying abroad  is always better than staying at home and getting frustrated and dreaming of being somewhere else.
just 2 months ago i came here. and now it seems that i was with my family ages ago.

Went to musee archaeologie that day. 

Here is something i found after many years.

Not here or there...or anywhere.

weeks are passing by very fast. with or without any results, sometimes not even efforts. Sometimes i am getting bored too much. I went out many times, spent a lot of money...mostly on food though.
Today i saw the himalayas from the balcony of my room. it was quite a surprise. the only good thing that happened today i guess. i am B-O-R-E-D. and am not working at all. lost motivation. to do anything. even hamging out with adyasha and poulami seem tiring sometimes.(edited)
in fact, every friend of mine here(now i realise, everywhere) talks about himself or herself to me. all the time i am listening. sometimes, not even listening, just nodding.
Whenever i am alone i do mostly 2 things:
1. I think about life in ecole, imagine situations, the nature of the new people i am going to meet and how i am possibly going to react or behave. Would i be able to adjust? would i talk there or stay quiet like here? how would be the food? How much would i miss my family, city? How would life be in a foreign country?
2. i think about home. i try to imagine what i would have been doing if i had not come to mohali. about the cats. mother. my room. friends. the awesome wifi. i am not homesick though.
at the end of the day, i feel like am nowhere.
At mohali, i know i wont be here for long so i cant settle down mentally. after i go back home, there also i cant allow myself to get settled again, and ecole...it seems so far off. Am i overthinking? i am just confused about where i should be. i hate this floating condition. 

Finally.

It took 15 minutes to open this page. I would consider it to be a training to increase my patience. ;(
So, more than a week has passed since i came to IISER. From the beginning only i was planning to write blog but then i got distracted in many ways.
I reached ChandigarH station at 3:45 am with my dad. I had got little sleep that night as i was haunted by the iwillhavetostayalonefornext6weeks feeling. i was very very homesick already in the train. to distract my mind i had started doing math and it worked to some extent. i solved a few problems which i couldnt do earlier. there was a huge bengali group going to himachal pradesh. i kept remembering the sanibasor trips i had. nostalgia.
so anyway when i reached chandigarh it was dark and hot and full of mosquitoes. after freshening up, my father and i took an auto to IISER Mohali. it wasnt dark anymore. we reached the campus at around 6. The campus is still under construction. 2 hostels are done. they look really cool. i was given my room on 6th floor. i was highly impressed by the hostel,rooms and washrooms and also the cleanliness that is maintained here. ill post pics later.
we had breakfast and then lunch. A girl from punjab university came to me to talk. Somal Preet. She is also doing math project. Thats the first friend i made. Later i came to know she is multitalented and quite popular in her college. She is "Department Representative". She also topped from her district in boards. knows singing, dancing etc etc.
An auto came to take my father to the station at around 4. i watched his auto leave from the private balcony each room has. then started my homesickness.
luckily, my senior from college who is currently studying in IISERM but has gone to IMSC for summer project, has some really good friends here, Poulami and Adyasha. Both of them are from biology. they take care of me as if i am there own sister. They introduced me to many other girls and boys. i also took initiative to make new friends. i made many acquaintances in a short period of time.
My room is a bit isolated. Another girl stays beside my room but she always shuts herself up inside her room so i dont really have any company when m in my room.
I met my mentor on the next day. i missed his email, thanks to the awesome wifi, and i was late for the meeting. thankfully he is a very nice person and overlooked it. he asked about my interests and i said algebraic topology. i had wanted to study it for long. anyway he asked me a few questions to check whether i am ok with the prerequisites and i could answer them. then he introduced me to the subject and told me the topics that i am going to cover.
although i got work to do, the homesickness weakened and distracted me. i cried a lot and was depressed for next 2-3 days. i could hardly study and always felt lonely. the people here are doing projects mostly on bio or chemistry or somelab based subjects. so they leave in the morning and stay in their respective labs whole day. my subject being theoretical ( i was cursing it for days), i had to stay in the hostel whole day. also i had to meet my mentor only once a week, unlike my other math friends who meet their mentors every other day. this experience is totally new for me. i was scared and afraid that i might not be able to stay here and also not in France. My mom suggested that i can buy tickets and come back. but it was very disappointing to hear that from her. i was angry with my self for being so weak and dependent on the others. i cried for hours every day. i hated the fact that i cant stay alone while others can, so easily. i was in a total mess. one day, i gathered all my courage, prepared myself mentally during the whole day to sleep at night in my isolated wifi-deprived room. that night before going to sleep i made many new friends. i chatted with them for an hour and gained some confidence. then i went to sleep. my brother had told me to face the fear squarely. so i decided to do that. i watched some comedy on my laptop and when i was drowsy i went to sleep. my sleep was interfered many times but i passed the night. i finally woke up from a nightmare and felt lonely again. anyway i did the daily chores and distracted my mind. it was a small(big to me) achievement and i felt happy. or rather less sad. i tried to study in the reading room. i met somal there and i cleared her doubts and discussed. the day passed quickly.
poulami had left for patna that day, so i decided to stay in her room as it had wifi. so for the bext 3-4 nights i slept alone. i spent a lot of time alone. i went out with adyasha a couple of times. she made sure that i am never lonely. i visited her lab once. before that there was the math seminar.
slowly, i should say really slowly, am getting used to this new environment. i dont feel sad all the time nowadays. i do feel homesick right after i wake up or after talking to my parents. but then poulami and adyasha's constant company and also studies make me forget that stinging pain for sometime. when i am alone i think and talk to myself a lot. i found many answers and many questions were raised. some of the solutions i know but i am taking time to implement them in the real life.
initially i was always avoiding the stay in my room. so yesterday i forced myself to study in my room for couple of hours. i solved a problem with which i was stuck for 2 days.
i have to study more and harder. this initial week taught me many things.
i realised that if i want to be strong, i can. but when a situation comes where am allowed to be weak, i become so weak that its difficult to accept that i was strong a few moments back when there wasnt any other option.
i also realised that i can stay alone whole day in someone else's room but cant stay for more than a few hours in mine. all these years, i have stayed in other people's company so much that i never got to be with myself. being with myself scares me. or rather i feel like am with a stranger. when am with others, or even just in their rooms i feel more comforted. its very weird. am still trying to find answers.
whenever i am homesick, i remind myself about ecole and how i would get to see my family only once a year. previously i was thinking about going home. now its more of a challenge, an opportunity to train myself, understand myself and be with myself. and i would be a foolish person to give up on this.
i feel stronger now. being alone is not that hard. obviously i miss family and friends, but i have accepted it. there's no point in resisting and not getting in terms with the situation. i have to grow up. someday or the other. so i choose it to be today. now.
i am an emotional person. a child. so things are more difficult for me. first i thought i would have to give up on my emotions. i was scared. now i am thinking about keeping my emotions and being strong as well. being emotional is a part of me. i cant change it. i can use it to make myself stronger.
phew! i wrote so much. i am hungry. its lunch time now.
i couldnt write about every detail. ill try to upload pics. today i have to meet my mentor so i am a bit tensed. i hope everything goes well.
the temperature has gone down after the rain. am feeling better.
i am still stuck with two problems though. i have been trying them for so long.
anyway, gotta go.

So um i decided to write. Mostly its going to be list of incoherent incidents. I got wet in the rain and walked in it for 1 km. i feel close to nature when the rain drops fall on my face and hands. they are like some kind of messengers, whispering news of distant lands to me. i feel happy and sad and excited and protected. When the wind blows, i completely surrender to nature. now i am posting 2 pics...

i miss painting.

baaje chinta