Nowadays tears

dont come when i am sad. they come when theres good news. i hope this gets over soon.

i wish i could let of those memories. they belong to different parts of my timeline. i have learnt to let go of many desires, loved ones, dreams, expectations. but these memories refuse to get overwritten by the new ones. they are surprisingly helpful sometimes. when i get caught up in my present, i think about those incidents and the emotions i had felt during those moments. i need a few more years, few more incidents, few more shocks and surprises. 

To remember

I want to record a particular day in my life(technically 2 days) so that in future during moments of doubts and confusion i remember that we should not make assumptions of what we are capable of. i am not going to boast in this post. its just that sometimes its ok to admire oneself, especially in my case because all my life i have been giving people respect by default without verifying wther they deserve it or not.
It was a friday. my friend had not been feeling well throughout the week. that evening it became worse, he went to the pompiers to be sent to the hospital as recommended by the doctor. the pompiers didnt listen to him and sent him back. i had gone too, to convince them but they were being deaf to us and the doc. he had great difficulty in climbing back and so we waited in the staircases. people laughed at us coz they thought we were being naughty in the dark. i took him to his room to wait for the sos doctor. it was already 1am. he couldnt sleep, his head was hurting. i was blank, emotionless and confused. i brought him food, pillow, meds. nothing comforted him.he hadnt got sleep for last 2 days. i kept all the emotions out. i sat beside him, waiting for the doc to come. he came at 3am. i went down to meet him and show him up. he did checkups and tests. let me skip a bit.
my friend couldnt sleep even after the doc left. it was 5am when we had to call pompier again and this time they took him to the hospital. i slept and woke up at 7am. i had to go pay the bill otherwise they would sue me. the place was very far away deep inside paris. no breakfast, i took a few biscuits with me, cost me 1 euro for 5. i went down lozere steps, bought tickets till massy. from massy i took rer c for the first time. i had to wait a lot and the platform was like sealdah. then a doubledecker train came. i went upstairs and started sleeping. i was feeling nausea and hunger. biscuits helped. i woke up from time to time to check with my friend. once i woke up and found the train crowded. my stop came very late. when i got down, i realised via maps that i have to walk 1.5 kms now. it was very hot and sunny. the roads were not walk friendly. so i started my "trek" when i came to a bus stop. it went till the hospital(where i was supposed to pay the bill)!!
but once i got down i again had to walk a lot till i reached the campus. i couldnt take off the layers of clothes i was wearing, the heat was unbearable. at the reception they said the office was closed. i almost fell.
she said i can write a cheque. saved!
then walking, bus, train to notredame. i was feeling lonely there coz everytime i go to saint michel de notredame my friends are there. i walked to a nearby mcd. i was wishing that someone might make a film on me, me sitting alone on those high chairs, eating a lonely sandwich with the big glass window overlooking those happy faces and romantic couples. again i took the train, the bus and finally reached my room. was too tired to visit him in the hospital.
its amazing that i did all this but i dont want it again. 

So today i finally went to a psychologist. and it was such a disappointment. i just had to repeat the bad things about my life and heard from her how my life is hard and not normal. i know that already! and i pity myself for that. and when i was walking through the corridor to service medicale towards her chamber, i definitely had one thing in mind-- i am sure she will stop this self pity business. she will give some solutions.
i have several sessions coming up.
My leg is hurting occasionally. i hope i can do sports soon. thats a very good therapy. i feel normal and like how i was in 8th standard.

Recently, one of my close friends posted a pic with the two of us in it. we were very small, we didnt even know what posing in front of the camera meant. we stared at the lens without thinking about changing dps or posting it on the net.we didnt care how our hair was or how we should smile or at what angle we should tilt our head. we didnt fantasise about the likes we might get or the comments that might follow. it was merely an interruption to the fun that we were having. i looked like a boy; rather, i looked very much unlike now(even my boyfriend couldnt recognise). Short "boys'cut" hair, huge eyes, big head, lose tshirt(probably my brother's). from childhood i also loved to be like a boy. or maybe, i didnt want to be a girl. my brother was my idol and i followed everything that he did. i wore his clothes, hated make up and played with guns and cars. i dont know how i learnt to hate the barbies in the shops or the earrings and the lipstick. i just remember hating them all. and i was somewhat proud when my mother used to say that i dont like to dress up like normal girls. another thing was dance. i never ever danced. it was just not my thing. in my head i always pictured myself as the younger brother. so when my breasts started coming out and my mom bought for me girls' underwear i revolted. i hated my body so much and tried my best to hide the weird shape of my chest. i started preferring baggier clothes and rejected everything that was fitting. in school, i used to be the nerdiest in my group. no girly clothes, no fancy jewellery, no kajol. i tied my hair so tightly backwards for more than 10 yrs that my forehead became a football court. i had a superiority complex over females who look good with make up. i always focused on my studies and told myself that i dont care about being a girl, i dnt care about looks.
After all these years i ask myself why i hated it when my sisters used to forcefully put lipstick on me or make me look like a girl and i realised that i always hated the concept of girl. i hated the "meyeliness", their behaviour, their overreactions to babies, giggling over boys and trying to look pretty. to me, being a girl was a weakness, a truth that i couldnt escape from. no matter what i did, my brother always treated me like something less. so did i. when i was in 5th, i told myself that i should be liking biology and be afraid of mathematics although i had no reason to because i used to get the highest in the same. i remember admiring my guy friends in class about how awesome they are in physics and mathematics and that i will never be like them coz i am a girl. till 12th i tried to maintain my non-girl appearance and often wondered why the guys never had a crush on me like they did on my friends. the girl with makeup would easily become my least favourite. even my mom used to criticise the girls in her school who wore makeup. and i never learnt how to dance. forget traditional dances, not even with friends. everybody dances, and i stand. coz i have no idea what i am supposed to do. so stiff i become.
things have changed now. often i have the desire to be beautiful and wonder what should i wear or how should i keep my hair. the old me inside would start with all that "you are getting distracted, you should be studying" but i protest that what is wrong in trying to look good? is looking good a girl thing? even if it is, why is it wrong? why is it not as "intelligent"or "smart" if a guy shows his muscle? why is being a girl a sign of weakness? why do i need to have the "man's qualities" to be strong?
i am so shocked that sexism is so deep inside me.