part 2-hya tomake

Another similarity between us is that we have very few friends. In general, you and i judge people very easily. We try to simplify human beings and attach the tag of good or bad to them. But we are all grey! Noone is good or bad. In particular, we have to keep in mind that that people are not always trying to attack us. Everyone is having a hard time. Everyone has their own way of dealing with situations amd we might not always agree to them. So what? Its their life....they get to choose what they do. Luckily so do you and i. Personally, i chose to look beyond what displeases me in a person. I chose and am trying hard to accept the different shades of human nature and when i sometimes succeed, my life becomes so much more colourful. Going out and meeting people is scary but it brings me closer to understanding how i would like to live my life for now. You and i, i'm sure, would go beyond the closed room that our mind is. Lets see who reaches there first!

Finally, i would like to talk about my mother and your wife but above all, this individual called Nandini. Do we not both love and admire how wonderful she is? Do we not both love to be loved by her, taken care of by her? Yes both of us are nodding. Let us agree on another important fact too, then. She works very hard and tries her best to keep all of us going. She never puts herself before others and neglects herself tremendously in order to make people smile. You might say that even you did that. Yes, i appreciate and recognise that. I am lucky to have both of you in a certain way and i try to imitate your actions when it comes to helping. Now that we are talking about helping others, i must point out to you that she is sad and distressed and needs our help. She has been fighting for too long. Now we need to fight for her. 55years she has led without thinking of her own desires. She has sacrificed too much. Let us make her happy. Let us encourage her to do what she wants. Let us make her smile. This is an easy job for us because due to her nature she is already open to many activities and new things in life. She has started giving up and we cannot let that happen. You and i must make her believe that it is her own life and she has the right to do what she wants as long as she doesnt harm anybody. We both know that she would never hurt a fly. If we become insecure or afraid, we must ask ourselves, didnt she prove to us already how much love for us she carries in her heart?
By now you must be thinking that i am too biased towards her and see no flaw. Let me tell you a secret. I have been hurt by her too, many times. She isn't perfect, just like us. But love goes beyond imperfections. And so does maturity.
I am sorry i had to choose my mother over you. But i am sad that i had to choose at all. I hope you live and let live.
Regards,
The lost daughter of a father.

Hya tomake

Dear Baba,
I am writing this letter because I would never be able to say to you what i am about to say and I don't even want you to read this because i dont want to be responsible for any consequences of my blog post.
I want to first tell you a few things about myself. I have gone through a miserable childhood when it came to family time. I have grown up watching my parents fight. Ofcourse i was forced to take sides because i was witnessing everything from close quarters. I chose ma over you. Was it a mistake? I wonder. Maybe, if i stood up for you, things would have been better. You wouldnt have felt betrayed by my mother or me. Maybe, you would have been different, and I would have a father. But i did what was logical to me. I did what i thought was right. I was trying to save the person i love the most in the world from this man who always hurt her for no reason. I shall come back to that later. So when you were shouting abuses and hitting my mother, brother and even me, you hurt me. I got hurt again and again and i am sure you did too because repeatedly i showed my preference to ma. So it is like a cycle at a first glance and i might never know who got hurt first. But i came much later. I was born many years after your marriage and during all those years you often fought with her. Hence, i can comfort myself by saying it wasnt me. You know, i was trying very hard to safely preserve those moments when you and ma agreed and laughed together, cared for each other without any difference of opinion. Trust me, they are very few. Maybe i came into this world a bit too late and i missed those moments. During these peaceful times, i used to tell myself that you would stop hurting my mother and her family and lastly me, because i needed a father. A father is a very important man in someone's life and i truly needed someone to depend on during my rough childhood. But Baba, you broke my heart. Again and again amd again.
Now, i am an adult, much more matured than before, much less angered, lost in my own problems. In India or in this country whenever i visit a family with a father who is loved and admired by his family, i feel jealous. I feel sad and a stranger to this feeling of loving a father. For me, its an emotion which doesnt exist. If someone probes me too much, all that they would get out me in the end would be sorrow and anger. Am i holding you responsible for this? Ofcourse not. Its beyond my capability to forget and forgive. That doesnt meqn i dont try, but it takes a lot of time and thinking to be able to be neutral towards you. I must also mention that due to this lack of a father figure, i grow strange feelings towards middleaged men who are caring towards me.
Anyway, now lets talk about you. I am trying to understand you for different reasons. Firstly i dont want to hate you. Secondly, people say i am like you and thats why i have always hated myself. By understanding you i would like to prove to people that i am not what you are. Thirdly, i want to help my mother, but like i said, lets come back to that later. When i said that i want to talk about you i didnt mean that i wouldlike to criticise you. That would be very easy for me. But i choose the more difficult path
According to me, you are a highly emotional person. Emotions are irrationalities of our mind. They blind us, they stop us from thinking. They made me hate you, they made you hate my mother and her family and they made my mother care for you even after all this time. You have a way of thinking which is very different from mine and i accept it. All of us are not the same. In my way of thinking i accept that, and in your way you dont. Another fundamental difference between you and i is that you are not open to criticism, you think what you do, say or think is correct even if there are millions of contradictions in front of you. I accept that to. When it comes to similarities between us, i should definitely start with insecurity. Both of us have hurt people who love us dearly for no reason, because we were afraid of not being loved. I feel so guilty when i realise that i have been depriving my loved ones from their liberty just because of our stupid imagination. It is like clipping the wings of our favourite bird. That is so unfair to them. We chose to love them, they are not obliged to love us back and if they still do and they have stayed with us during our thick and thin then they wont leave for the stupid reasons that you and i make up in our minds. I really hopethat both of us let our loved ones breathe and prosper for we are lucky to have them. People who love us are so rare to find and we cant afford to hurt the handful of those who show affection.

............end of part 1.....,,,,,,