Recently, one of my close friends posted a pic with the two of us in it. we were very small, we didnt even know what posing in front of the camera meant. we stared at the lens without thinking about changing dps or posting it on the net.we didnt care how our hair was or how we should smile or at what angle we should tilt our head. we didnt fantasise about the likes we might get or the comments that might follow. it was merely an interruption to the fun that we were having. i looked like a boy; rather, i looked very much unlike now(even my boyfriend couldnt recognise). Short "boys'cut" hair, huge eyes, big head, lose tshirt(probably my brother's). from childhood i also loved to be like a boy. or maybe, i didnt want to be a girl. my brother was my idol and i followed everything that he did. i wore his clothes, hated make up and played with guns and cars. i dont know how i learnt to hate the barbies in the shops or the earrings and the lipstick. i just remember hating them all. and i was somewhat proud when my mother used to say that i dont like to dress up like normal girls. another thing was dance. i never ever danced. it was just not my thing. in my head i always pictured myself as the younger brother. so when my breasts started coming out and my mom bought for me girls' underwear i revolted. i hated my body so much and tried my best to hide the weird shape of my chest. i started preferring baggier clothes and rejected everything that was fitting. in school, i used to be the nerdiest in my group. no girly clothes, no fancy jewellery, no kajol. i tied my hair so tightly backwards for more than 10 yrs that my forehead became a football court. i had a superiority complex over females who look good with make up. i always focused on my studies and told myself that i dont care about being a girl, i dnt care about looks.
After all these years i ask myself why i hated it when my sisters used to forcefully put lipstick on me or make me look like a girl and i realised that i always hated the concept of girl. i hated the "meyeliness", their behaviour, their overreactions to babies, giggling over boys and trying to look pretty. to me, being a girl was a weakness, a truth that i couldnt escape from. no matter what i did, my brother always treated me like something less. so did i. when i was in 5th, i told myself that i should be liking biology and be afraid of mathematics although i had no reason to because i used to get the highest in the same. i remember admiring my guy friends in class about how awesome they are in physics and mathematics and that i will never be like them coz i am a girl. till 12th i tried to maintain my non-girl appearance and often wondered why the guys never had a crush on me like they did on my friends. the girl with makeup would easily become my least favourite. even my mom used to criticise the girls in her school who wore makeup. and i never learnt how to dance. forget traditional dances, not even with friends. everybody dances, and i stand. coz i have no idea what i am supposed to do. so stiff i become.
things have changed now. often i have the desire to be beautiful and wonder what should i wear or how should i keep my hair. the old me inside would start with all that "you are getting distracted, you should be studying" but i protest that what is wrong in trying to look good? is looking good a girl thing? even if it is, why is it wrong? why is it not as "intelligent"or "smart" if a guy shows his muscle? why is being a girl a sign of weakness? why do i need to have the "man's qualities" to be strong?
i am so shocked that sexism is so deep inside me.