i m soooooo tired. phew!

i was reading raakadi's blog. she writes so nicely! and narrates in a very cool way...i wish i could write like her.
i am hearing weird stories about college. and i have been forced to conclude that st xavier's is not a college in real sense. its a junior school teaching collge stuff. i m talking about the discipline. i have noticed something. i always end up in the strictest of places with the toughest subjects. in school the sections were always studious, my subjects were tougher than most of them (except statistics) and now this college. all the time i see people fooling around, having fun and i have to study and follow rules and be highly obedient.
for instance, my mother. she always acts like a strict headmistress with me. with only me. u should have seen her talk to my big bro and then to me. what a discrimination. (mind u, i have nothing against my brother). i know i m being selfish and not understanding my mother etc etc but what i said is true. i feel like being controlled and too much shackled by should-do's and shouldnt-do's.
i shouldnot be complaining about my mother on the net. thats bad.
:)

i want to paint.

2 more days to go before college starts. too early. but its ok.

Look at the weather!!! why cant it stay like this throughout the year? i love the clouded sky...the gray one i mean. it says, i m going to rain!!

i will be going to college from this Friday. i m a bit scared....of the teachers, the college and everything. i looked at the syllabus of the 1st sem and saw that more than half of it i have covered during the isi/ cmi preps. so i was relieved. i was reading groups. its very interesting, quite different from the mathematics we learnt in our hs. it had been manipulative. here u need to understand carefully. but its really cool! i m trying to cover things by myself as much as i can so that i wont have much problem understanding the professors. i used to do this in class 12 maths tuition too.i didnt wait for the teacher to teach me things coz he did that in a very boring way. so i read good books and learn by myself. it takes more time but things remain under my control.
oh i love maths!

Admitted to xavier's with maths hons!

i hope all this is just a dream and that when i wake up tomorrow all the problems will be solved. i know people are taking far more chaaps in life and they have good reasons to do so and that mine are very feeble compared to them but still i m very much under pressure. i still cant decide what i want to do or what i should do. the advantages and disadvantages are canceling each other mostly. everything is so messed up right now. i have never taken such a great decision in my 18 years so i m very frightened. in this world of competition, i have to take the right steps coz i m nothing exceptional so i have to flourish based on hard work and right decisions. the colleges or univ i wud choose will affect me very much. i have never given an interview either. only if i had got selected in isi or cmi or iit, all this jhamela wouldn't have been there. but i had tried hard. but people are more talented and experienced. i wish my desires were less complicated or easier to achieve. like engg.
nobody is making it clear to me.
i cant concentrate...those thoughts are constantly disturbing me. if someone asks me something face to face from studies, i get tensed and mess it up all. i know it alright most of the time but my problem is NERVES. i m more like ron weasley than harry. harry is very brave and confident.i think i cant study anymore today. i m feeling very scared and tensed. i hope everything goes alright tomorrow and that i get what is best for me.
i hope this ends soon.

interview!!! omg...
what will they ask? oh no....

i have learnt a new thing in the past few months. one moment, u want a thing badly and think that u will be happy if and only if u get that particular thing. u would want just that and nothing else. at the next moment, ur vision gets changed and u start wanting something else which previously u never considered. i have a bad habit of attaching myself to things so much that i start thinking like above. then i come to know about more facts and think more logically and find that what i wanted wasn't worth it. of course these realisations are influenced by the people around me because i know too little about the world. but when the ppl whom i trust differ in their opinions, i get in a real fix. what to do now? i judge myself but i get confused about what exactly i want. i think that's the main problem. its not very clear to me what i want. when i start wanting too many things, none of them get top priority coz i find myself telling, if i don't get this i have other options too. this way is partly right but if i don't fix my target, it becomes difficult to work hard to achieve it. i have some narrow-mindedness and prejudices and many a time i block myself towards the truth. i m too much biased at times.
i hope these times of confusion and trouble are over soon and that i take the best step forward.

amar pora hochena!!!! m reading harry potter all day....giving away to temptations.
harry is too much paka for his age....

u may not trust people, but u can trust the axioms and theorems. they will never lie. no matter what happens, they will remain there strong and wise. i luv them.

ohhhhhh i luv mechanics!!!!

i am such a lazy butt....
i see very weird dreams every night. they make me neither happy nor sad. my mother finds it strange that i remember every dream but the fact is that i do. sammy told me the process of dreams and how we remember them. sammy is a doc.
when are these selection lists going to be declared...nischinte porte parchina. i dont think i will get chance in the presidency coz there are only 20 seats for stats including the various quotas and the exam did not go well. ju will be a tough fight coz many very good students with high marks in physics chem apply to ju even if they r ultimately going to study engineering. the engg counseling is yet to happen. everything is messed up.
i have to decide so many things at the same time. since i m going to sit for iit and isi and cmi again next year i have to prepare for them, especially iit, from the start. now the probability that i wont have chemistry and physics as my pass subjects is more. so i have to study 2 extra subjects along with the huge honours syllabus and the pass subjects. now the college matters too and what i m going to take for honours will affect my post graduation. u cant do mstat if u r a mathshons. and mmath has got very few seats.
whenever i think abt these things i feel really tensed, i wish i could see the future.
why didnt i have affinity for engg? things would have been so easier to decide....
anyway, gotta go. lots to do. did u see the volume of the tmh?

by the way, i was reading abstract algebra, i have just started with groups and symmetry. really cool stuff!

reading harry potter again...ohhh heaven!
i luv the third book. always my favourite. i didnt like the fourth and fifth one that much. 6th one is darun and seventh is the best.
snape is always so jealy... i dont blame him tho...
but dumbledore....uffffff......eto saintly hobar ki ache???

this is a request to the readers of my blog, especially somok.

this is the place where i express myself freely. after reading my last few posts u must have had the idea that i m very depressed. so u wanted to help me which i appreciate very much. thanks a lot. but if u want to say something write it to me urself. dont tell others. they maynot understand always. and i cant share everything with everyone. i will be very happy to receive ur own comments. thank u again and hope u will understand.
love
hiya

another no-name-in-the-list. do they not get tired?

i have no friends. i m getting used to it. i have stopped sharing with them. noone cares. why should i? thats why i always prefer to go to places alone. my mother tells me to take friends along with me but i refuse. whats the point of being with them? they never ask me once about myself. they go on talking about themselves and their world. i listen. they find a good listener in me. thats it. but when i m alone, i listen to myself.
i dont even feel sad nowadays.
there r some people whom i luv very much. most of them donot luv me that much but i do. they scold me, criticise me, make fun of me, hurt me but i still luv them.
i love mathematics for another reason. it makes me forget everything. it takes me to another world away from emotions and bias. pure logic. i love it.

if i were stronger...

enjoy.... :)

http://picasaweb.google.com/hiyapotter/Bakkhali?authkey=Gv1sRgCJnQoOfzm9HzYA&feat=directlink

wow....new templates!

nose-watering, cold, fever....duh! my routine (that took 30 mins to design) is being bhondooled....
i have started revising...i also thought i needed a break, but due to lack of friends it got boring and the upcoming year's exams scared me badly and i realised how precious my free time is. once college starts, the load will be increased many folds so i decided to get things done before the "so little time, so much to do" phase begins.
i have such a small circle of friends most of whom are not interested in going out. i tried many times but no enthu from the other side. i gave up. i have better things to do.
i was reading mechanics...it was sooooooo exciting...no really, i found it cool and entertaining. what was i doing during class 11? wasting time...
oh i forgot to post photos of my trip to bakkhali. it was a strange kind of trip but i liked it very much nevertheless. :D

Dont tell me anything if i talk rubbish now coz.....oh just check the date!(in case u dont know.....just leave it)
is it ever going to rain? the sky darkens everyday and then it feels lazy to drop those water droplets on us. how many get the chance to drop water on people and that too on so many of them??? please sky, dont be a "subodh boro bhalo chele chilo"....we r dying out here!
our house is getting a makeover and everything is under dust. that day when it was raining a bit i tried to get wet in our small courtyard and after a while i was covered in mud....yeeekkkk!

Our cat, poogli. she sleeps all the time. no wait another thing she does well, that is stealing food from everybody's kitchen. if u try to give her food she will start behaving as if she has never eaten anything....with a shrill voice she wud start meowing.
i hate this waiting part.

ok bye for now