i didnt go for walking for the last 2 days!!!!! yesterday i wrote for many hours and at night my arm, wrist was aching like mad...
i will go for walking today.....i will i will i will!!!!
today i must practice english...havent touched those subjects for ages.
i was doing chemistry in the morning....so much to remember!!!

they r coming!!!!!

had a great tea in the evening and a fabulous dinner thanks to tilakmama.
today the madhyamik has started. solved a sum which i cudnt for the last 1 month i guess. feeling very happy!!!

'what is mathematics?' is an osadharon book. i was reading the chapter on functions, limit, continuity.....awesome!!!! everyone should read it... especially, those who think that maths is all about solving sums mechanically. albert einstein himself wrote the review of the book!!! i have just read one chapter...just imagine how it would feel like to read the whole book!!

today i didnt let my mother got to school. hehe! she doesnt have classes today, only the attendance is necessary and she has a few cls in her hand. so whats the point of going to school??
i have come to know that one of my friends is a reader of my blog. hehe...

nothing new. didnt go out for walking today. ma has made special dinner. did some physics mcq in the morning. heard noor-e-khuda from MNIK. nice song. exactly 1 month left. my iit mock test results came out today. did horribly in chemistry. physics was the best (the paper was easy, not my credit).
so many people dont have exams.

bounded!!!!


i have started teaching mathematics to a girl of class 9. the first hurdle is the language problem. she is a bengali medium student so it is very difficult for me to explain things and for her to understand. but she is a sincere student and a complete nerd...and a bit too good. i m very impatient hence this is a good opportunity to learn to be more patient. yesterday i was having difficulty in teaching her about factors and polynomials and the zeros. i tried my best, dont knowhow much she understood but she managed to do the sums on them mechanically and i remembered thats how we used to do sums too. in additional maths we had to compute standard deviations and we mugged up formulae and applied them without actually understanding what sd is. in class 11 things were clarified and i felt that we were not at all doing maths in classes 9-10, we were just imitating our teachers! but thats how one learns so nothing bad in that. yesterday i had a misconception about functions cleared. before that i was making such idiotic comments that my teacher said i was talking nonsense. hehe!
teaching is the most challenging job to me. it tests ur patience.

i dont feel like studying now. this is so monotonous...
all the time, tension and frustration accompany me, seems as if they r my only true friends...hehe...
i m feeling restless, impatient, angry, disappointed, anxious.......
i m already losing .....the game hasn't started yet.
my room is engulfing me, m feeling like as if i m inside the mouth of a dreadful monster.
no self-confidence.

ughhhhhhh i hate bengali exams...
finished lost symbol. it didnt live up to my expectations. the starting was good but the ending was very disappointing. ma has bought many books. but i m not going to read them now.
i m sleepy.
i just now received a message from one of my friends. he has read my blog and is scolding me :P
ok bye

i cant recognise myself. this is not me. i wasnt like this ever...so insincere, fickle-minded, careless. this is so scary. i have failed my parents, my inspirations and above all, myself. i dont have even a bit of respect for myself anymore. no confidence inside. today, i tried to get away from even mathematics. i have lost this game. its over. too little time left to recover. no chance at iits or isi. only the hs is still in my hands. and its my only hope for pursuing a career in mathematics. if i mess it up, all will be lost. i have been so lazy. i gave away to pleasantries without thinking about the future even once. i got so much help yet i couldnt utilise it. so many people came ahead to help me, but i was busy enjoying myself in the fantasy world. i dreamt about big things while doing infinitesimally small amount of work. i read a bit of this and that and considered myself eligible for the isi. my friends are working so hard...maybe their goals are not that high but they have the situation under their control. they were not stupid like me, dreaming about big things, aiming high. i did all that and now i m the loser. i unconsciously and sometimes even consciously, showed off. they were hurt or felt discouraged. now my turn has come. i have to pay.... more not making sacrifices. time's running away...and i was sleeping all this time. i had the audacity to ignore iit sums by labeling them as the "typical hard sums".
i am a real stranger to myself. something has possessed me. coz i was never like this. i was always very sincere to my studies, obedient to my teachers and parents. then why all of a sudden am i disobeying my conscience? i have stopped hearing to it for days. there's no point in regretting now...i have failed myself terribly. dont forgive me. i need this punishment. i need a crash... a heavy jerk. i wish my mother had slapped me. or my family members stopped talking to me. i deserve these... really....

i havent been so tensed in my whole life(almost 2 decades, dont underestimate). there is this strange painful emotion that is captivating all my spirits... dampening them. sometimes it is so convincing that even breathing is difficult. and it IS hampering my concentration which is the worst part. there are so many things to remember. time is very short. m distracting myself from those terrifying thoughts by reading "the lost symbol" by dan brown. it keeps my mind engaged. also studies themselves distract my mind. otherwise, i become a victim of negative feelings. people say,"its just the beginning..."

i hate this rat race. competition, marks, ranks.....i want to scream!!!!
am i saying all this coz i m losing the game? i dont know.
lakhs are doing what i m doing. i wish the education system did more to make studies an attraction itself rather than making colleges, universities, marks ranks the shah rukh khans.



survival of the fittest.... it has always been that way.

uffffffff there r so many forces. when and where which one will appear all the books know but i dont. which quantity remains constant and which doesnt drive me crazy. Newton...u had no big fat text books to study. mercilessly u kept on inventing and discovering...not fair

my subjects are sooooooooooo interesting!!! organic reaction mechanisms....yummy!!! (dada, i hope u r not reading this....i dont u to have a heart attack) sometimes i even think of studying chemistry after the finals. physics is also cool! everything ends up getting related to energies... and the strangest part is that the choice of origin lies in our hands... :-O
mathematics...nothing to say about it. imagination at its best(i did say something!).
but most of the students study these subjects for getting marks. they want marks for getting admitted to good colleges. (till now i also belong to this group). they want to be at good colleges to get good jobs. they want good jobs for money. they want money for?? they r never satisfied.
Physics, chemistry, mathematics.....just for getting marks???? never! not in case of me atleast.
so much to know and learn and think about....why get involved in money matters? maybe money matters after all. what r u going to eat if u dont have money? in my case, money can wait( my mother and brother have guaranteed that... they have said,"study whatever u want, as long as u want") i m lucky i guess. now that i have this opportunity which few can dream of, i should avail it as much as i can. i should discover new things that would help the Living. and above all i must enjoy whatever i do. so i m trying my best so that i can study my favourite subjects after the finals. this is so exciting!!

this is so frustrating!!! i m trying to solve this sum for the last 1 hr. i m not thinking in the right way but m beating around the bush. i m observing many things but cant prove them...grrrrrrrrr
shallow thoughts.... :( :(
they r giving me many hints and clues but mathematically i cant relate them. basics...these paper-setters know where to strike...
cant even prove it with induction. i hate it when the pink book mocks at me. but i love it anyway.... hehe
ok bye for now.

i learnt a lesson today-- donot cross ur limits. i needed to learn this. i m happy.

things first happen in a simple way. then in course of time, they complicate. but they appear simple to u still coz u have become complicated too! then one day u do some crazy things and expect a simple consequence. but what happens next surprises u and then u fall hard on the cold stony floor. THUD.
this has happened to me a number of times. but do i never learn? no. i do the same mistake again and again. i give myself excuses...."this situation is different", "i will be careful this time onwards", "i was not myself", "it was his/her fault"....
my mind is becoming smaller and smaller, my thoughts more stereotype. one day i guess, the reverse of big bang will happen and "nothing" will be created out of "something". wow i m talking physics....hehe.
i wish i knew what would happen to me after a few months...coz like everybody else, i also fear the unknown.
i m too lazy. i always want immediate success...another example of my impatience. i grow impatient of myself too. why am i like this? why cant i change? why cant i solve sums quicker? u can run away from people, storms, floods, cyclones, dementors, voldemorts, cockroaches, but u can never run away from urself. i always dream of a better "me" but end up being worse. i always think about myself. there are so many things that i hate about myself...
i know i m wasting time....
does GOOD always belong to good people?

The atmosphere is serious and tensed out here.... :(
One of my distant didas has passed away. people are pouring in at her residence. my parents had been there yesterday, returned early this morning. they r going to work. how they would manage it without a night's sleep i dont know, i m still feeling sleepy after snoring (not literally) for 7-8 hours.

i m now revising "electrostatic". i m finding it interesting. i have realised that previously i didnt pay attention to the minute details of any chapter. so there was flaw at the roots and consequently i understood nothing after some time. once you start visualising what you are reading, then it becomes quite entertaining. especially if its something like physics which is all around us.
Chemistry is exciting when it comes to the reaction mechanisms in organic. but in case of inorganic...i have a short term memory. i forget very easily. i wonder why i never forget the names of movies, actors, actresses....
nothing to say about mathematics...its easily the best subject of the universe...number theory.....yummy!!!
i better be going now before i mess up electrostatics again...hehe!
bye!!!