Today i made my first pencil sketch of a human(live). My professor was teaching politics of France and suddenly i had this idea of how to spend 1h 30 without sleeping. Before i always used to draw leaves and flowers. I got tired of my own drawings. So i started drawing parts of faces. Today i thought of finishing the entire face.

He liked it a lot and took a photocopy. Everyone was praising and i also was very surprised that i drew something to do with humans. i wasnt fully satisfied thought because the face of my professor is very calm and innocent and in this picture i made him a mechand. so i decided to learn properly how to do pencil sketches. i found a very nice website where they show step by step how to draw. here goes my first attempt of drawing an eye after visiting the website.

Looking forward to improve more. and also to succesfully draw 2 symmetric eyes :/

Was reading old posts. They make me happy , i feel protected. Is it strange? Being protected by memories? and images, and familiar stories. What i was before make me believe that i will be fine tomorrow.
Time is flying. it always did. so many times i wished that it passed faster. but now, i just try to to catch moments and hold on to them. but those happy hours just slip through my fingers. and i find myself walking alone. Here the roads are truely empty. Unlike Kolkata, where you just cant be on your own. Here its just emptiness. and silence. and closed shops with expensive clothes on display. How do people live here? I am in this neighbourhood for 2 and a half months but i have never seen the person who lives next door. the dog barks sometimes. what do they do all the time inside? dont they get tired of each other?
No actually, too many people tire you. But emptiness just makes you think, write blogs, remember.
The movie, Life(Part-2) began. i couldnt wait for it to release. counted months, weeks, days and hours. dreamt and planned. i never stopped to think that i will never be back. all that was so absolutely around me would just be gone. the people, the traffic, the food, the noises. they will be gone forever. the feeling of belonging to that place is gone because now you know that you cant stay.
 i planned how i am going to deal with situations here, how i will talk to people, how i will deal with homesickness, etc. and i am doing fine. but i never rehearsed the feeling how i wont be in kolkata anymore.
My greatest fear while growing up was that i would permanently be in that environment with a mediocre life and unfulfilled dreams. Now here i am in a first world country, studying the subject i want to, getting scholarship. its already not mediocre. and i dont want to ruin it by looking back. from my childhood i disliked many things of my life over which i had no control. i had no choice but accept it as a part of life. this is the beginning of a second life. all over again and this time i get to decide how things will be. maybe ill have a new set of dislikings. but this wonderful feeling of independence and having control on your life and getting to make your own decisions is overwhelming. as if someone has given me colours and a blank sheet of paper. with the brush in my hand, i can draw whatever picture i want. 

The world is a funny place. You give a person all the reasons to love you and want you and she/he just doesn't open her/his eyes. And some people love and care for you just like that. Not just  parents or close relatives, people who r not obliged to hv any kind of concern for you, protect and shower love.

Then there is the weird chasing game. You dont like something unless you have to chase it. But after sometime you get tired of chasing because that thing doesnt ever come to you fully.You get hurt, pause for a minute and then realise that the reason you love it is because it never surrenders to you. Then you get up and chase again. This goes on for a long time when finally you fall really hard, break your bones and bleed. When you recover, you are so scared of everything that you start running away. You become the target of the chasers now. You run and run and run till you are very tired. You feel like stopping for it. But when it catches up with you, you feel trapped. 

Happiness is deceptive.

Hate saturdays like this. Nothing to do. no rather i feel like doing nothing. the room has yellow light which makes everything even more triste. except for the getting up at 8am in the morning, i miss weekdays. atleast the day's schedule has been made for you. on weekends, you only have to make plans and involve others or just be alone. facebook is boring. so is french. i like math.
i miss india on weekends. there would be so many people at home. chats with ma. getting pampered by grandparents. going out with family to anywhere.  i could go to so many different places which are within 2km from my house.
here its just dogs and houses and more houses and dogs. i hope life at ecole polytechnique campus would be better. but i will miss pierre and domi.
one might ask, do i wish to be with my family? am i homesick? no i prefer this i guess...missing home while studying abroad  is always better than staying at home and getting frustrated and dreaming of being somewhere else.
just 2 months ago i came here. and now it seems that i was with my family ages ago.

Went to musee archaeologie that day. 

Here is something i found after many years.

Not here or there...or anywhere.

weeks are passing by very fast. with or without any results, sometimes not even efforts. Sometimes i am getting bored too much. I went out many times, spent a lot of money...mostly on food though.
Today i saw the himalayas from the balcony of my room. it was quite a surprise. the only good thing that happened today i guess. i am B-O-R-E-D. and am not working at all. lost motivation. to do anything. even hamging out with adyasha and poulami seem tiring sometimes.(edited)
in fact, every friend of mine here(now i realise, everywhere) talks about himself or herself to me. all the time i am listening. sometimes, not even listening, just nodding.
Whenever i am alone i do mostly 2 things:
1. I think about life in ecole, imagine situations, the nature of the new people i am going to meet and how i am possibly going to react or behave. Would i be able to adjust? would i talk there or stay quiet like here? how would be the food? How much would i miss my family, city? How would life be in a foreign country?
2. i think about home. i try to imagine what i would have been doing if i had not come to mohali. about the cats. mother. my room. friends. the awesome wifi. i am not homesick though.
at the end of the day, i feel like am nowhere.
At mohali, i know i wont be here for long so i cant settle down mentally. after i go back home, there also i cant allow myself to get settled again, and ecole...it seems so far off. Am i overthinking? i am just confused about where i should be. i hate this floating condition. 

Finally.

It took 15 minutes to open this page. I would consider it to be a training to increase my patience. ;(
So, more than a week has passed since i came to IISER. From the beginning only i was planning to write blog but then i got distracted in many ways.
I reached ChandigarH station at 3:45 am with my dad. I had got little sleep that night as i was haunted by the iwillhavetostayalonefornext6weeks feeling. i was very very homesick already in the train. to distract my mind i had started doing math and it worked to some extent. i solved a few problems which i couldnt do earlier. there was a huge bengali group going to himachal pradesh. i kept remembering the sanibasor trips i had. nostalgia.
so anyway when i reached chandigarh it was dark and hot and full of mosquitoes. after freshening up, my father and i took an auto to IISER Mohali. it wasnt dark anymore. we reached the campus at around 6. The campus is still under construction. 2 hostels are done. they look really cool. i was given my room on 6th floor. i was highly impressed by the hostel,rooms and washrooms and also the cleanliness that is maintained here. ill post pics later.
we had breakfast and then lunch. A girl from punjab university came to me to talk. Somal Preet. She is also doing math project. Thats the first friend i made. Later i came to know she is multitalented and quite popular in her college. She is "Department Representative". She also topped from her district in boards. knows singing, dancing etc etc.
An auto came to take my father to the station at around 4. i watched his auto leave from the private balcony each room has. then started my homesickness.
luckily, my senior from college who is currently studying in IISERM but has gone to IMSC for summer project, has some really good friends here, Poulami and Adyasha. Both of them are from biology. they take care of me as if i am there own sister. They introduced me to many other girls and boys. i also took initiative to make new friends. i made many acquaintances in a short period of time.
My room is a bit isolated. Another girl stays beside my room but she always shuts herself up inside her room so i dont really have any company when m in my room.
I met my mentor on the next day. i missed his email, thanks to the awesome wifi, and i was late for the meeting. thankfully he is a very nice person and overlooked it. he asked about my interests and i said algebraic topology. i had wanted to study it for long. anyway he asked me a few questions to check whether i am ok with the prerequisites and i could answer them. then he introduced me to the subject and told me the topics that i am going to cover.
although i got work to do, the homesickness weakened and distracted me. i cried a lot and was depressed for next 2-3 days. i could hardly study and always felt lonely. the people here are doing projects mostly on bio or chemistry or somelab based subjects. so they leave in the morning and stay in their respective labs whole day. my subject being theoretical ( i was cursing it for days), i had to stay in the hostel whole day. also i had to meet my mentor only once a week, unlike my other math friends who meet their mentors every other day. this experience is totally new for me. i was scared and afraid that i might not be able to stay here and also not in France. My mom suggested that i can buy tickets and come back. but it was very disappointing to hear that from her. i was angry with my self for being so weak and dependent on the others. i cried for hours every day. i hated the fact that i cant stay alone while others can, so easily. i was in a total mess. one day, i gathered all my courage, prepared myself mentally during the whole day to sleep at night in my isolated wifi-deprived room. that night before going to sleep i made many new friends. i chatted with them for an hour and gained some confidence. then i went to sleep. my brother had told me to face the fear squarely. so i decided to do that. i watched some comedy on my laptop and when i was drowsy i went to sleep. my sleep was interfered many times but i passed the night. i finally woke up from a nightmare and felt lonely again. anyway i did the daily chores and distracted my mind. it was a small(big to me) achievement and i felt happy. or rather less sad. i tried to study in the reading room. i met somal there and i cleared her doubts and discussed. the day passed quickly.
poulami had left for patna that day, so i decided to stay in her room as it had wifi. so for the bext 3-4 nights i slept alone. i spent a lot of time alone. i went out with adyasha a couple of times. she made sure that i am never lonely. i visited her lab once. before that there was the math seminar.
slowly, i should say really slowly, am getting used to this new environment. i dont feel sad all the time nowadays. i do feel homesick right after i wake up or after talking to my parents. but then poulami and adyasha's constant company and also studies make me forget that stinging pain for sometime. when i am alone i think and talk to myself a lot. i found many answers and many questions were raised. some of the solutions i know but i am taking time to implement them in the real life.
initially i was always avoiding the stay in my room. so yesterday i forced myself to study in my room for couple of hours. i solved a problem with which i was stuck for 2 days.
i have to study more and harder. this initial week taught me many things.
i realised that if i want to be strong, i can. but when a situation comes where am allowed to be weak, i become so weak that its difficult to accept that i was strong a few moments back when there wasnt any other option.
i also realised that i can stay alone whole day in someone else's room but cant stay for more than a few hours in mine. all these years, i have stayed in other people's company so much that i never got to be with myself. being with myself scares me. or rather i feel like am with a stranger. when am with others, or even just in their rooms i feel more comforted. its very weird. am still trying to find answers.
whenever i am homesick, i remind myself about ecole and how i would get to see my family only once a year. previously i was thinking about going home. now its more of a challenge, an opportunity to train myself, understand myself and be with myself. and i would be a foolish person to give up on this.
i feel stronger now. being alone is not that hard. obviously i miss family and friends, but i have accepted it. there's no point in resisting and not getting in terms with the situation. i have to grow up. someday or the other. so i choose it to be today. now.
i am an emotional person. a child. so things are more difficult for me. first i thought i would have to give up on my emotions. i was scared. now i am thinking about keeping my emotions and being strong as well. being emotional is a part of me. i cant change it. i can use it to make myself stronger.
phew! i wrote so much. i am hungry. its lunch time now.
i couldnt write about every detail. ill try to upload pics. today i have to meet my mentor so i am a bit tensed. i hope everything goes well.
the temperature has gone down after the rain. am feeling better.
i am still stuck with two problems though. i have been trying them for so long.
anyway, gotta go.

So um i decided to write. Mostly its going to be list of incoherent incidents. I got wet in the rain and walked in it for 1 km. i feel close to nature when the rain drops fall on my face and hands. they are like some kind of messengers, whispering news of distant lands to me. i feel happy and sad and excited and protected. When the wind blows, i completely surrender to nature. now i am posting 2 pics...

i miss painting.

baaje chinta

paglami porikhar aage

Do you have one of those days when you are dissatisfied with everyone around you? today was one such day for me. man, whats up with everybody and, me? i cant change anybody except for myself. oh that same old saying. but its kinda true. noone is a voldy out there, cant even hate them damn it! i guess my famous venn diagram theory works only. i feel sorry for ma, dada, patadidi. and am sick of the other two ditto beings. i mean just look at them! they are just carbon copies of themselves. no wonder they dont get along. but I HAVE TO get along with both of them and that too with a smiling face. darn! everybody blames everyone else! i really pity us. the humans. we are so helpless at times. and lonely. no GOD or something comes to help us out. its us and only us. hats off to us! oops i used too many us's. oops again! :P
i always try to shut myself up inside my own world. but cant avoid the reality always, can i? thankfully math is so abstract.
i m feeling so negative now.

take a pencil and piece of paper and do hijibiji on it very badly. then that will describe my mental state. or maybe u take out something from the refrigerator and make it half warm in the oven. that cold and hot feeling simultaneously when u eat it, may also do the job. my head is so heavy, more than few kilos. i m happy and sad eksathe so there's a restless feeling inside me. cant concentrate of course that's why i m blogging. should i list the things which r bothering me? ok
1. i cant decide which topic to give a presentation upon. one teacher suggested analysis but i cudnt find anything, another suggested "something new" which gave birth to the nexr problem
2. i want to do cantor sets or continued fractions as suggested by mm but my partner wants to do patterns badly. now initially it was me and asmita only. i had requested mriganka to join us. he has good knowledge abt maths and number theory specially. he is a good guy. but now if i dont let him do patterns then he will be disappointed. 3. the teacher whom i mentioned first was against such recreational topics and he likes me and even praises me in front of the others. now if i go against him, he may be dissatisfied and things may turn nasty.
4. i m being,almost by mental force, taken to the departmental picnic on sunday. in the evening there's a b'day party to attend. close friend. i have a biye bari the next day, and the day after it is saraswati puja. so all my evenings r gone and i still have homework to do.
5. ma is back to her form. she made me cry in the morning due to her "nice" behaviour for the last few days. maybe this is the 5th problem but it has a very big effect.

so u see, i m in a total mess.
dinner time.
bye

A republic is a state under a form of government in which the people, or some significant portion of them, retain supreme control over the government.[1][2] The term is generally also understood to describe a state where most decisions are made with reference to established laws, rather than the discretion of a head of state, and therefore monarchy is today generally considered to be incompatible with being a republic. One common modern definition of a republic is a state without a monarch.[3][4] The word "republic" is derived from the Latin phrase res publica, which can be translated as "a public affair".
Democracy is a political form of government in which governing power is derived from the people, by consensus (consensus democracy), by direct referendum (direct democracy), or by means of elected representatives of the people (representative democracy)


what is the difference??

 

My clean room :)

home pics2

click on the photo to view album

I just cleaned my room. dont tell ma, she was right abt that "chokhe araam laage". :P i will post the pic tomorrow. :)

Statistics practical is so mechanical. i have to calculate the squared deviation of each of the 33 four digit numbers. just imagine the stupidity of the whole thing. i found a good book on linear algebra in the library but thanks to that stats prac, i couldn't go through it satisfactorily.

i luv wednesdays!
went to gaaner class with ma. bad experience. i hate ppl who nag.

anyway bye

College starts with a BLAST! Had a great day. i realised today that i had missed kb and tb very much :)
i realised another thing...1 month left! and i had been so scared.....phew! found out that i have covered the major portions more or less. classical algebra still remains to be dealt with.
i wish i cud take pictures more often, like on roads, college, day to day stuff, etc. but i cant control the whole of my camera still. and many features are absent too. specifically, i miss high optical zoom. i have to learn a great deal about the usage of flash. to me, its the toughest job. also the shutter speed.after my sems are over, i will study abt the light thing on the net.
sometimes, especially during the pujas i often wondered why i m taking pictures of ALL the idols and pandals and stuff. i mean after a few days, i wont even take a look at them. i dont see my previous year's puja pics.so you see, i m a little uncertain about the objective of taking photos and hence not good at finding the right objects. anyway, time to go! bye...

Holiday!

.....then it was time for icecream!!! obviously i am an expert in choosing the right one. originally it was black forest sundae but i modified the 3 scoops' flavour and turned them to chocolate. hehe :P
it was really tall and fat....loads of icecream and brownie and chocolate sauce..... and 4 cherries!!!(chordi had 3 of them, baba had 1)
3 of us dived into the sea of icecream and chocolate. actually the icecream was meant for me, but they couldnt resist. when all of us were fed and icecreamed/lassied. we started towards chetla. the sky was the stage of a great light and sound show...some fireworks didnt happen, some were really amazing. 3 of us got dolchut intentionally and went off to see idols. 10 30 to 11 30. then home.

Why is everyone scolding me??

Anyway, this year's kalipuja celebrations were really different. and "something different" attracts me highly, these days. the 2 days before yesterday were really a bore...i got stuck inside a container whose size wasnt too big.

but yesterday was fun. went to kakar bari for baaji fatano. i was behind the camera mostly. just loved the smell of the firecrackers. and it was always "BOOM!!!!" -ing all around. 2 of our tubris flopped. but otherwise everything went well. especially the chorkis (asmita has this appropriate nickname in her para). then everyone ate sweets and a huge round table conference was held over 1. shud we go to dine somewhere?
2. which cuisine? 3. where shud we go? 4. pandal hopping or dinner?

after 20 mins we stood in the middle of nowhere. i had made up my mind before leaving my house that i wont return without seeing allllll the pujas. i had missed them last year for my selection test. now that this terror period is over and that peaceful times are here once again (for only a few days tho.... my sems are coming up)i WONT MISS CHETLA KALIPUJA!
but chamunda was pretty much disappointing since the huge size has been decreased and the light effects were gone. some stupid person had given this stupid idea of hanging a jhar in the pandal....
anyway, next i found myself walking towards newalipur, over the durgapur bridge.

WHERE THE HECK ARE WE GOING???
to dine.
I WANT TO GO TO PANDAL HOPPING!!!
First, we r dining outside.
WHERE??
somewhere in newalipur.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THAKUR DEKHTE JAWOA??
hobe hobe...sob hobe. x( x(

it was beside kowloon. veg. it had an icecream parlour. we were 10 in number. they had masala/plain dosas/badas. i had "onion tomato capsicum cheese pizza". shouldnt pizzas ALWAYS have onion, tomato, capsicum, cheese in them???


TO BE CONTINUED....

I will be back shortly.

I had a great weekend (non-academically)!!!
Photos of saturday are on facebook.
i finally went to a cinema and watched a movie after 10 months. hehe

have a break, have a kitkat!

Analytica.

classes from 9 to 5.

almost all the puja days booked.

Continuity, determinants, singular points.

Why is it not raining?

kichu pora hochena... :(
anyway, lots of people, food and merriment. :P
my camera is working, i need to find a canon service center. end of my holiday... 10 to 4 tomorrow, 2 boring physics classes, followed by sm. he is so stern and raagi. hard to approach, not expected from a xaverian teacher.
i m tired...let me sleep.

sorry for that long break. i guess silence speaks so many words.
i enter through xavier's back gate these days. the walk is shorter. did i mention it earlier? whatever.
the pressure is on. but i m loving it! its like getting another chance to prove urself...it feels really great, especially after not seeing my name in so many lists.
i m learning new things everyday. growing up has started i guess. no room for being childish.
bengali classes are a big hit for me. i just loooooveeeeeeee them. physics classes are boring (i m being repetitive...i know)
many students have left. now we r around 50 in number. today we had classes from 9 to 4. no break apart from the tiffin one. felt weird while returning, ghostly...body was numb, head was spinning....
ok i hv to go to sleep now. tomorrow i have 5 hons classes. but college will be over by 3. the last period, stats, hobena. hehe!
goodnight folks.

The large crowd in metro or the long walk from the station to the college donot make me frustrated and impatient any more. i have accepted it. i donot expect a less crowded train these days, maybe thats why i dnt feel sad when it arrives with thousands of passengers. the walk is shorter. only the physics classes from 3 to 4-45 on tuesday test my patience. its really a torture...coz a subject as interesting as physics is taught in the most boring way possible and that too for a long period of time.
i have to buy few more books.
college is not as uneventful as before. i meet new ppl everyday and sometimes old friends. the canteen is a big hit. our bengali teacher is really cool! sarcasms and witty comments make the class really enjoyable. also the poem written by rabindranath tagore has a modern outlook! the college people know what we would like to study. in hs our bengali texts had things with which we had difficulty to connect our lives and the familiar environment.
i have been told to follow the rule : enjoy with discretion. thats my new motto...hehe
my didi has brought 70% dark chocolate from usa. break a capsule and put it in your mouth. the feeling is the same... ;)
ok bye for now...goodnight!

I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the Milky Way,

They stretch'd in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

By William Wordsworth (1770-1850).

Are you linearly independent?

it was raining beautifully today. from the third floor, everything was blocked from view by the consistent water droplets. and when the wind blew now and then, my glasses got wet, my face was splashed with water. how pure it was...and consoling.

i m making my world smaller and smaller everyday.

roj college jete bhalolagena. :(

i love kajal bakshi's classes. tb is ok. otherwise, :(
the journey tires me a lot. i have got used to the crowded compartments, "packed like sardines". but i feel homesick. i know its silly. many of my class mates live as paying guests all alone. still, i feel like staying at home. i was wearing snickers this week but my leg hurts after sometime. tomorrow is saturday! and then sunday!!!! yipeeeeeeee

i want to see how i would look like after 10 years. will i get taller? i want to be taller. and smarter and more intelligent. with a good dressing sense. i mean i dont want to try to look like a teenager at the age of 30. i see many ppl with that intention, when i travel. i would be able to drive then. and would have visited many countries (at least 2). i want to be Dr. hiyapotter. wiser, calmer, matured. i hope blogger.com doesnt erase this post. i wud want to see it when i m 30.

college is teaching me a lot of important things other than abstract algebra and real analysis. i m learning the hard way. but at least i m learning. different shades of personality, various opinions, wow-type backgrounds... they really dumbfound me. and i realise every moment, how lucky i was all these years and how i had dwelled in heaven and complained about it. my school, my friends, my family, my city...everything.
i hv finally started climbing the initial stairs of reaching adulthood. i m now learning how u hv to depend on urself more and more, instead of depending on others. i m my only true friend, best friend, real friend as we used to call our fellow classmates in school. and i m now discovering a new friend in myself who actually cares for me. i enjoy my loneliness as i walk those 15 mins in park street. memories, thoughts accompany me. 4 crossings...they carry different meanings during the to and fro. sometimes i miss those whom i love a lot and wish that they wud be with me. i make myself believe that that will happen someday...
i hate it when the drink spills from the cup and accumulates at its base on the plate. everytime u pick up the cup u have to mop it on the plate.

we are learning really cool stuff these days. we also get to prove things which we take for granted. its very exciting. i get too tired after returning from college. cant study much. today we had 5 hons classes at a stretch, followed by 2 very boring stats classes. i miss paromita aunty and chaitali aunty. they taught well. ok i think i shud go to sleep now. then raat jaga.... :P

i bought a bubblemaker from rother mela. it was really crowded with all sort of people and things. everywhere it was very colourful.

i have made a new friend at college. she is asmita. a complete tomboy...very much straightforward and outspoken and reaaaally smart. not in the bad sense though. she and i went to Mcdonald's today(my idea). i realised it was there near my college when i saw a foreigner with a chocoshake in her hand.
the metro is always so crowded. adn today the door closed on my hand and bag.for a few seconds i cudnt believe that i was able to get into the train.
i love real analysis... :)

stomach upset... :'(
all throughout the day i m having boring food. i pass the park hotel and many others everyday during my walk. oh the smell...especially today, i was fuming with anger! my stomach is upset all the time...didnt get isi i guess :P

almost a week has passed by since my first day at college. time is running...and so am i, every morning...run to the auto stand, to the ticket counter to the platform to park street to college. i for got to mention the SMALL walk in between... :P
it has been very much like school, a little more strict perhaps. well, here u r free to loiter around when u dont have classes. u can go to the canteen or library or cyber room or to the green benches...anywhere. this is a bit different from school. bit different...yea

the maths faculty is more or less superb. the physics teachers who teach our batch are determined to make us fall asleep. i miss our school physics fac. it was awesome.
the canteen has a great lot of things. i had one chicken burger today. it was ok as long as u think that u were having a chicken burger ;)
no seriously it has a lot of things. and it has many benches where u can sit and eat.
i m feeling tired. will write abt this college again sometime later. i have to study now before i fall asleep. hehe
bye!

What a start!!!! ohhhhhh

i m not talking about world cup.

i m soooooo tired. phew!

i was reading raakadi's blog. she writes so nicely! and narrates in a very cool way...i wish i could write like her.
i am hearing weird stories about college. and i have been forced to conclude that st xavier's is not a college in real sense. its a junior school teaching collge stuff. i m talking about the discipline. i have noticed something. i always end up in the strictest of places with the toughest subjects. in school the sections were always studious, my subjects were tougher than most of them (except statistics) and now this college. all the time i see people fooling around, having fun and i have to study and follow rules and be highly obedient.
for instance, my mother. she always acts like a strict headmistress with me. with only me. u should have seen her talk to my big bro and then to me. what a discrimination. (mind u, i have nothing against my brother). i know i m being selfish and not understanding my mother etc etc but what i said is true. i feel like being controlled and too much shackled by should-do's and shouldnt-do's.
i shouldnot be complaining about my mother on the net. thats bad.
:)

i want to paint.

2 more days to go before college starts. too early. but its ok.

Look at the weather!!! why cant it stay like this throughout the year? i love the clouded sky...the gray one i mean. it says, i m going to rain!!

i will be going to college from this Friday. i m a bit scared....of the teachers, the college and everything. i looked at the syllabus of the 1st sem and saw that more than half of it i have covered during the isi/ cmi preps. so i was relieved. i was reading groups. its very interesting, quite different from the mathematics we learnt in our hs. it had been manipulative. here u need to understand carefully. but its really cool! i m trying to cover things by myself as much as i can so that i wont have much problem understanding the professors. i used to do this in class 12 maths tuition too.i didnt wait for the teacher to teach me things coz he did that in a very boring way. so i read good books and learn by myself. it takes more time but things remain under my control.
oh i love maths!

Admitted to xavier's with maths hons!

i hope all this is just a dream and that when i wake up tomorrow all the problems will be solved. i know people are taking far more chaaps in life and they have good reasons to do so and that mine are very feeble compared to them but still i m very much under pressure. i still cant decide what i want to do or what i should do. the advantages and disadvantages are canceling each other mostly. everything is so messed up right now. i have never taken such a great decision in my 18 years so i m very frightened. in this world of competition, i have to take the right steps coz i m nothing exceptional so i have to flourish based on hard work and right decisions. the colleges or univ i wud choose will affect me very much. i have never given an interview either. only if i had got selected in isi or cmi or iit, all this jhamela wouldn't have been there. but i had tried hard. but people are more talented and experienced. i wish my desires were less complicated or easier to achieve. like engg.
nobody is making it clear to me.
i cant concentrate...those thoughts are constantly disturbing me. if someone asks me something face to face from studies, i get tensed and mess it up all. i know it alright most of the time but my problem is NERVES. i m more like ron weasley than harry. harry is very brave and confident.i think i cant study anymore today. i m feeling very scared and tensed. i hope everything goes alright tomorrow and that i get what is best for me.
i hope this ends soon.

interview!!! omg...
what will they ask? oh no....

i have learnt a new thing in the past few months. one moment, u want a thing badly and think that u will be happy if and only if u get that particular thing. u would want just that and nothing else. at the next moment, ur vision gets changed and u start wanting something else which previously u never considered. i have a bad habit of attaching myself to things so much that i start thinking like above. then i come to know about more facts and think more logically and find that what i wanted wasn't worth it. of course these realisations are influenced by the people around me because i know too little about the world. but when the ppl whom i trust differ in their opinions, i get in a real fix. what to do now? i judge myself but i get confused about what exactly i want. i think that's the main problem. its not very clear to me what i want. when i start wanting too many things, none of them get top priority coz i find myself telling, if i don't get this i have other options too. this way is partly right but if i don't fix my target, it becomes difficult to work hard to achieve it. i have some narrow-mindedness and prejudices and many a time i block myself towards the truth. i m too much biased at times.
i hope these times of confusion and trouble are over soon and that i take the best step forward.

amar pora hochena!!!! m reading harry potter all day....giving away to temptations.
harry is too much paka for his age....

u may not trust people, but u can trust the axioms and theorems. they will never lie. no matter what happens, they will remain there strong and wise. i luv them.

ohhhhhh i luv mechanics!!!!

i am such a lazy butt....
i see very weird dreams every night. they make me neither happy nor sad. my mother finds it strange that i remember every dream but the fact is that i do. sammy told me the process of dreams and how we remember them. sammy is a doc.
when are these selection lists going to be declared...nischinte porte parchina. i dont think i will get chance in the presidency coz there are only 20 seats for stats including the various quotas and the exam did not go well. ju will be a tough fight coz many very good students with high marks in physics chem apply to ju even if they r ultimately going to study engineering. the engg counseling is yet to happen. everything is messed up.
i have to decide so many things at the same time. since i m going to sit for iit and isi and cmi again next year i have to prepare for them, especially iit, from the start. now the probability that i wont have chemistry and physics as my pass subjects is more. so i have to study 2 extra subjects along with the huge honours syllabus and the pass subjects. now the college matters too and what i m going to take for honours will affect my post graduation. u cant do mstat if u r a mathshons. and mmath has got very few seats.
whenever i think abt these things i feel really tensed, i wish i could see the future.
why didnt i have affinity for engg? things would have been so easier to decide....
anyway, gotta go. lots to do. did u see the volume of the tmh?

by the way, i was reading abstract algebra, i have just started with groups and symmetry. really cool stuff!

reading harry potter again...ohhh heaven!
i luv the third book. always my favourite. i didnt like the fourth and fifth one that much. 6th one is darun and seventh is the best.
snape is always so jealy... i dont blame him tho...
but dumbledore....uffffff......eto saintly hobar ki ache???

this is a request to the readers of my blog, especially somok.

this is the place where i express myself freely. after reading my last few posts u must have had the idea that i m very depressed. so u wanted to help me which i appreciate very much. thanks a lot. but if u want to say something write it to me urself. dont tell others. they maynot understand always. and i cant share everything with everyone. i will be very happy to receive ur own comments. thank u again and hope u will understand.
love
hiya

another no-name-in-the-list. do they not get tired?

i have no friends. i m getting used to it. i have stopped sharing with them. noone cares. why should i? thats why i always prefer to go to places alone. my mother tells me to take friends along with me but i refuse. whats the point of being with them? they never ask me once about myself. they go on talking about themselves and their world. i listen. they find a good listener in me. thats it. but when i m alone, i listen to myself.
i dont even feel sad nowadays.
there r some people whom i luv very much. most of them donot luv me that much but i do. they scold me, criticise me, make fun of me, hurt me but i still luv them.
i love mathematics for another reason. it makes me forget everything. it takes me to another world away from emotions and bias. pure logic. i love it.

if i were stronger...

enjoy.... :)

http://picasaweb.google.com/hiyapotter/Bakkhali?authkey=Gv1sRgCJnQoOfzm9HzYA&feat=directlink

wow....new templates!

nose-watering, cold, fever....duh! my routine (that took 30 mins to design) is being bhondooled....
i have started revising...i also thought i needed a break, but due to lack of friends it got boring and the upcoming year's exams scared me badly and i realised how precious my free time is. once college starts, the load will be increased many folds so i decided to get things done before the "so little time, so much to do" phase begins.
i have such a small circle of friends most of whom are not interested in going out. i tried many times but no enthu from the other side. i gave up. i have better things to do.
i was reading mechanics...it was sooooooo exciting...no really, i found it cool and entertaining. what was i doing during class 11? wasting time...
oh i forgot to post photos of my trip to bakkhali. it was a strange kind of trip but i liked it very much nevertheless. :D

Dont tell me anything if i talk rubbish now coz.....oh just check the date!(in case u dont know.....just leave it)
is it ever going to rain? the sky darkens everyday and then it feels lazy to drop those water droplets on us. how many get the chance to drop water on people and that too on so many of them??? please sky, dont be a "subodh boro bhalo chele chilo"....we r dying out here!
our house is getting a makeover and everything is under dust. that day when it was raining a bit i tried to get wet in our small courtyard and after a while i was covered in mud....yeeekkkk!

Our cat, poogli. she sleeps all the time. no wait another thing she does well, that is stealing food from everybody's kitchen. if u try to give her food she will start behaving as if she has never eaten anything....with a shrill voice she wud start meowing.
i hate this waiting part.

ok bye for now

That HURTS.

yesterday i dreamt that we were fighting the orks. i liked the dream so i wud like to share...
we (there were ppl, all familiar but why were they here i dont know, but the battle takes place at our house which has got a makeover :P) were having fun when news came that the orks were coming for us. there were surely no place to hide but this time we decided to fight back. we made strategies and positioned ourselves accordingly. they always come through the walls (!) so about 15 of us including me were on the bench with daggers in our hands( dont laugh out). they are coming...their heavy footsteps set everything into vibrations. as they ushered in we held our breath. i was afraid and were the others. those beastly thing broke everything. the chief came towards me, i gathered all my courage and faced him. something happened, i dont clearly remember, and then i stabbed him, many times and he died! i m always against killing at that moment i was too happy to notice the other orks coming. our plan was to run upstairs where there is a secret path to escape this place. but to reach that place we all have to face the orks again. we hid behind the 2 single beds in tilakmama's room...so can see we were barely hiding. they obviously came but then what happened again i dont remember. after that we were all running towards the secret path. it resembled a toilet with american system. the hole was not very big and apparently impossible for a human to pass through it. so we were stuck and the orks were coming. ppl screamed at me to hurry up. all of a sudden the hole enlarged and i fell through a burrow-like path and finally reached somewhere near park street. it was in the middle of the night that we escapees landed there. then my dream changed.
i kno this was kind of stupid. but i was happy when i woke up. that narrow escape and me killing the ork chief were really something to be happy about. i could have given some effects to this writing to make it sound a little bit like experiencing the dream reality. but i have to go back to maths now. so later sometime maybe....

i m a bad narrator. after reading so many thrillers i shouldn't be writing so flatly. no practice..

i m feeling low. like a fish out of water. cant find the right thing to make myself happy. results maybe? or the end of this monotony...but gatherings, friends, laughing-out-loud-at-jokes...these donot attract me at all. i m stuck. cant break free. but time is running away. i think i need to go out of station for a few days. i really need a break. off to somewhere peaceful.
i have stopped singing, painting, photographing...
this is sooooooooo suffocating.

man, let me breathe! results and exams all at the same time....what do u think i am? a saint or something?
my friends are visiting cinemas, malls...when shall i be free??????
these Olympiad books are driving me crazy.
i m suffering from severe mouth ulcer...3 of them at the same place...cant talk, smile. i m using sign languages and ppl are asking me yes/no questions. :P
hungry...but food means pain. :'(

I am reading a lot of books....yes yes story books. i finished rebecca within a day(read it for the 4th time i guess). its my favourite book! i love daphne's writings!
ma was reading Thousand splendid suns, i m reading it in between.
i made maggi at 1 am today.....i was hungry...hehe.
ma is back to her "gombhir, u-r-a-stranger-living-my-house mode" again.... duh!

phew! (not yet)
my exam-spirit has been diluted, thanks to the numerous exams that i am attending :P
i m studying very little. i don't feel like reading those same things again. i m giving 6 exams, one for my dear bro, one for my sweet mother and one for all the 3rd persons. the rest is for myself... :P

i m missing a lot of fun. visits to malls, cinemas, hill stations, seaside...a big NO to all. i m now watching the same episodes of rurouni kenshin again and again and again... i wont be surprised if the media player says the next time, "i m bored....can i play something else?"

its so cold nowadays....snowy evenings, chilly mornings...the sun is being too polite...

we used to have the line in our geography books, "May is the hottest month of the year."
now another line should be added...."April, June, July are catching up too!" so much competition is in the air.
one shud now ask how was others' exam? and not how was urs...:D everything depends upon this new person-- "others"

the results are going to be declared soon. but no, my exams will not be finished even then....haha!
anyway, gotta go.

I m THE SUN.....big deal! x(

here is this sick feeling making me depressed. today is my b'day yet i m not happy or excited. i m tensed, and disappointed... i m forcing myself to smile but deep inside i m crying. everything has become black and white. it seems as if i m tired of colours. let there be no colours permanently. their coming and going make me sad.
i really dont know what i want. a lot of happiness destabilizes me, i fail to resist myself from the temptations. and a long period of nothingness depresses me. but sometimes i feel that i m afraid of being happy becoz when the happiness ends, a wave of pain crashes on the beach.

i hv such a small circle of friends! i m studying in the same school for 15 years yet when i had to make a list of friends to invite, i found 3...only!
i want to get rid of this hiya. i dislike her. i have always dreamt about a greater hiya but failed to become so. life has just started, so i guess i have a lot of opportunities to change myself.
i feel really lonely at times...we all do i guess. i call my favourite ppl by name (not literally) again and again and when they donot answer, i cry.

"the necessary and sufficient conditions for the existence of....."
i m getting bored a bit.
my mother took me to a cultural programme yesterday and i was compelled to listen to loud, noisy songs....i prefer the calculus more. ohhhh what an experience! i listen to music via my computer, so i have complete control over what i listen. but yesterday, i was chained up and forced to listen to things which i dont want to, for hours. i felt like running away....
how much i cherished the silence after wards while returning home. during dinner, even the low-volumed tv channels seemed to be irritatingly loud!
i m very tensed about the exam on the 9th. i m trying not to feel the pressure but thats not possible. i have worked hard for this but hard-work is a necessary condition here but not a sufficient one.
a seat in isi, thats my wish for this b'day and for the upcoming 100 b'days....i want it so badly. i dont want a new cell, holidays, parties, movies, story books, entertainment of any sort.... just this. i have dreamed about it for days....
ohh....

its actually raining!!!

oh how much i waited for this and now when its over the pain has increased so much. why does this always happen? the happy times end so quickly and the long hours of wait seem to be endless?

pooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! booooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bang bang bang bang...!!!! its over!
coming up next...the fast and furious wbjee!!!!!!!!
dada came yesterday and i went to mayukhda's house in the evening with him. i saw rudiments!!! there was a huge library full of mathematics. i tried some books and obviously looked at pictures only... :P
ohhhhhhh when will this end?? ar valolagchena....eto tension....
now i will be able to read maths though which i was looking forward to, all these days.i had a nice refreshing break yesterday after weeks of tension and frustration and fear.
i m using the computer right in the morning coz there's no guarantee that i wud be able to do so in any other time of the day....dada's here! he bought me an icecream yesterday...hehehe!
i can chatter like this all day. i havent talked with my friends(i mean the gossiping part :P) for days...they never call me. i keep calling them up. sometimes one or 2 msgs come but cant reply, thanks to my biiiiiig balance.
anyway have to go now. have to decide what to study.
bye!!!

The day before...

I think the situation is similar to that of "the charge of the light brigade". the opposition is so enormously powerful and u have only a few ways of self defense (leave alone attack...!!!).
The Two Towers. people of rohan waiting for the innumerable orks coming towards them. all the fighters are not even trained soldiers; some are kids, old people, farmers, workers. the long wait in the rain...u can hear their footsteps from a long distance. the last hope is still in ur heart. maybe we can get through this.
why is education being kept in chains like this? why cant it be free? why has it become a nasty war, butchering minds like anything?
are the complains due to weakness?
i thought education was for filling ur minds with light, not with tension and fear. but thats what it is doing. how many of us REALLY studied chemistry or physics or mathematics truly from our hearts and not for getting into some renowned institution? we just mug up formulae with the hope that we might b able to use them in exams. maybe that works. but is that education? maybe it will help u to get a tag which will say that u r educated...but is that it?
after 2 years of tuitions and notes and xerox copies and fat books, i feel that i hv learnt very little. i hardly felt physics or chemistry and thats why it is getting so difficult to prepare for exams like iit. we r taught things becoz they r going to come in exams. some of my friends dont even know what they will study after school finals. they just say i want to go to jadavpur university or iit. marks, ranks have taken away the beauty of the subjects. and noone can complain coz they ensure good future(money, jobs, etc).
maybe i m saying this coz i m losing the rat race. it may not be so.
we think so little about the subjects. instead we mug up...anything and everything!
but thats the way things go.
i have little chance tomorrow. i started preparing late. lets see what happens.
even if i manage to get through it, my views will not change.
bye.

up next....the hardest one!
the syllabus is really really fat....trust me. switching over from definitions to concepts and numericals is hard...no point in whining coz u r not the only one.
i m trying my best, lets see what happens.

i had pizza and futchka yesterday...yummy! i had yesterday's evening off. but i couldn't enjoy to the fullest, i have my iits this sunday!!!!!!!
when will i be free? that's the toughest question right now, tougher than those coming in the iit jee...hehehe....
ok bye

i m feeling sooooooo sleepy, it cant be chemistry....?!

3 left! up next, statistics followed by chemistry....

they have started wishing....
this is getting serious....
m fighting with bengali, lets see what happens.

is IPL everything?

Dont be tensed hiya....

i opened my blog after many days....

COW
"u r a cow!", we say that to ppl when they donot behave according to our ideas and views.
but it is an innocent-looking sleepy kind of animal. we used to have a lot of cows "vagabonding" in our streets with their keepers running after them as if they had done something really bad.. (idle minds are not entertained at all here). some of them have horns which look scary. nature has given everyone a weapon to defend oneself. "ki boro boro shing dekhechis? ekdom odike jabena" we scare the babies with them when they behave like babies in front of them. we expect every1 to be a grown up, except ourselves. ok i m getting distracted.
cows have very big stomachs and they go on chewing without having chewing gums ( saves money that way....we should learn too...sticking chewed gums everywhere...yuck!!!). they walk about so slowly...no exams...
do they still take milk from them? everything is artificial nowadays. we r so cruel! i hate milk...i can say that...hehe
they have dreamy eyes. their tails....they r so long, almost slashed me once.
one bad habit. cant differentiate between toilets and walking space. they dont bother about places getting dirty. not even their mothers...
cows give me a feeling that we dont HAVE TO hurry all the time. hopes r still there for a good world.

i m in a terrific state of mind.