Dear baba,
I am sorry I don’t call you. I don’t have much to say or ask. I am not trying to deliberately hurt you. I know that ma would have wanted me to call you regularly.
Have I ever told you how similar we were? I have been told so many times that I am like you. So for years I kept comparing everything that I do and feel with what I have seen you doing. Often I would find similarities and that would trigger self-hatred. I think I have never felt proud to be like you. I still get nightmares where you are torturing and abusing ma. And I am trying to save her. From you.
I don’t how you have become ever since Ma’s death. I have changed quite a bit. I have learnt to take care of myself, to be my own mother when I am in distress. Doing Phd with this state of my mind has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It is so tricky to keep my emotions away day in and day out. I have been very angry with you for most of my life. That hatred has been my company for so long. I don’t remember the last time I was happy to see you. This is not a hate speech, by the way. I am being honest, only because you shall never read any of this.
I have learnt to live with that hatred buried deep down, along with the grief and pain of losing ma. I can’t handle these emotions everyday, or even every week. They are so strong that for days afterwards, I am just wrecked. I can’t work like that and yes my work gives me purpose. I would like to keep doing it without too much of distractions. Talking to you really frustrates me. You ask and say things that have no meaning. You have never asked us how we are managing. I wish you were more empathetic. And that is how I am different from you. I am empathetic. I care, even for people who have hurt me and my loved ones. That’s why I am writing all this. Because I think you feel lonely and abandoned. Not many people come to see you. You have isolated yourself. That is sad, and I must admit that my not calling isn’t particularly helping the situation. I wish I could explain to you that blood relations don’t matter if you don’t really love the other person. And I don’t love you. I don’t hate you anymore either. I am sorry but I can’t give you the love you want. You must be feeling mistreated by me; but this is the truth. Don’t tell me how I would not have treated ma like this. No, I wouldn’t have. But that is only because two people can never be the same even though they have the same status. And in the case of ma and you, things have always been asymmetric. I wish you could accept that. Ma loved me differently than she loved dada. But I accepted it. It hurt me a lot but I accepted it. I wish you did too. I wish you never felt inferior to ma because of all the reasons you had brought up but that never existed. Ma has a very different personality than you. That is not a crime. Each person is different from everyone else. That is called individuality. But then you started creating a gap between us which only got bigger over time. I wish I have the strength to forgive you for what you have done the last few days of ma’s life. But I don’t have that much strength yet. It might take me years before things become better. For now, I can only give you my silence. I guess it’s better than me shouting accusations to you and trying to turn everyone against you. But silence is never good enough, sometimes it is worse than hurtful words. It signifies indifference. Indeed I am trying to be indifferent; I can’t constantly feel angry.
Anyway, I wish I could really send you what I wrote. But I don’t want to disappoint and hurt myself. You see, my mother isn’t around anymore. So I need to protect myself. From you, and from myself.
Hiya
I am sorry I don’t call you. I don’t have much to say or ask. I am not trying to deliberately hurt you. I know that ma would have wanted me to call you regularly.
Have I ever told you how similar we were? I have been told so many times that I am like you. So for years I kept comparing everything that I do and feel with what I have seen you doing. Often I would find similarities and that would trigger self-hatred. I think I have never felt proud to be like you. I still get nightmares where you are torturing and abusing ma. And I am trying to save her. From you.
I don’t how you have become ever since Ma’s death. I have changed quite a bit. I have learnt to take care of myself, to be my own mother when I am in distress. Doing Phd with this state of my mind has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It is so tricky to keep my emotions away day in and day out. I have been very angry with you for most of my life. That hatred has been my company for so long. I don’t remember the last time I was happy to see you. This is not a hate speech, by the way. I am being honest, only because you shall never read any of this.
I have learnt to live with that hatred buried deep down, along with the grief and pain of losing ma. I can’t handle these emotions everyday, or even every week. They are so strong that for days afterwards, I am just wrecked. I can’t work like that and yes my work gives me purpose. I would like to keep doing it without too much of distractions. Talking to you really frustrates me. You ask and say things that have no meaning. You have never asked us how we are managing. I wish you were more empathetic. And that is how I am different from you. I am empathetic. I care, even for people who have hurt me and my loved ones. That’s why I am writing all this. Because I think you feel lonely and abandoned. Not many people come to see you. You have isolated yourself. That is sad, and I must admit that my not calling isn’t particularly helping the situation. I wish I could explain to you that blood relations don’t matter if you don’t really love the other person. And I don’t love you. I don’t hate you anymore either. I am sorry but I can’t give you the love you want. You must be feeling mistreated by me; but this is the truth. Don’t tell me how I would not have treated ma like this. No, I wouldn’t have. But that is only because two people can never be the same even though they have the same status. And in the case of ma and you, things have always been asymmetric. I wish you could accept that. Ma loved me differently than she loved dada. But I accepted it. It hurt me a lot but I accepted it. I wish you did too. I wish you never felt inferior to ma because of all the reasons you had brought up but that never existed. Ma has a very different personality than you. That is not a crime. Each person is different from everyone else. That is called individuality. But then you started creating a gap between us which only got bigger over time. I wish I have the strength to forgive you for what you have done the last few days of ma’s life. But I don’t have that much strength yet. It might take me years before things become better. For now, I can only give you my silence. I guess it’s better than me shouting accusations to you and trying to turn everyone against you. But silence is never good enough, sometimes it is worse than hurtful words. It signifies indifference. Indeed I am trying to be indifferent; I can’t constantly feel angry.
Anyway, I wish I could really send you what I wrote. But I don’t want to disappoint and hurt myself. You see, my mother isn’t around anymore. So I need to protect myself. From you, and from myself.
Hiya
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