Universal property of Hp

One of the dumbest properties I have is, putting people on pedestals if they are nice to me and then getting hurt when they don't act accordingly a few times. One of the reasons why this happens is, I feel that if someone is nice to me it has to be a huge gesture of kindness because I don't deserve to be treated well. Self-hatred lies at the root of many recurrent problematic behaviour.
Mental Note: If a human is being nice to you, appreciate the deed. And most importantly, remember that he/she is a human, so they are allowed to make mistakes. Forgive and accept your imperfections and then do the same for others.

Homeless

All this while being away, I pretended that I have something to go back to. When I am around fathers and mothers and sisters and brothers, without being any of them, I keep remembering the home I have left behind. That feeling of being at home to which I surrender, in my mind palace, whenever I feel away. It is that warmth you feel during a cold winter evening, beside a fireplace. You have to stay away from the source, not to avoid getting burnt, but to face the winter. Getting burnt would be easy, it would make me alive. The pain, the sorrow, the regret-have they started to define me?

This time, I was coming back with a happy heart, a partially healed soul and the courage to be able to say goodbye more easily. My plane landed, and my dream started. Everything was happening just as I had imagined except nothing is the same. My city is the same, so are the people and the topics. Everything is exactly the same as I had left. Untouched. 

The only difference is that all that is now covered with a plastic sheet which can't be torn. Everything is independent of my being and everything is exactly the same. No matter how hard I try, I cant be a part of that sameness. Suddenly, I realise that I am homeless. I am going to be always far away and a shadow. All that was dear to me is still here, but I cant touch them. I cant pierce through the plastic. 

I am now floating on a box. I can never be a part of my past. It is all over. Now, I have to be at home in another city, with no friends and as a foreigner who is too familiar too the foreign land. 

So maybe I was wrong. Home isn't, for me, where my past self was. That is only in my mind. Home is where rhythm is. Home is where I am doing the same things as the others. Home is where I am not different. Except, I will always be. I am homeless. 

Does it hurt?
Yes.
Did you tell him?
No.
Does it hurt?
Yes.
Did you tell him?
No.
Does it hurt?
Yes.
Did you tell him?
No.
Why not?
I don't want to.
Are you forgiving him?
Maybe.
Why?
I have hurt him more.
Does it hurt?
Yes. A lot.
Are you broken forever?
I don't want to give up on him. So, no.
Does it hurt?
It's a numbing pain.
Did you tell anyone?
No. I cried in the toilet and shower.
Are you better?
Better than whom?
Would you let him go?
He let go of me. So, I have to make a place for him inside me. He will stay there.
Does he know that?
I don't want him to know.
Why not?
He will be angry with me.
Does it hurt?
I am fine. Thanks.

Loving and unloving

Today is my last day of being 24. What have I learned this year? I surely didn't manage to stop caring. But, I have realised a few things, or have forced myself to. Some people are irreplaceable. There's nothing called moving on, only getting accustomed to the pain.
With some people, you fall in love. You keep falling, and they never catch you. You try to grab on to a wall and admire them. You feel like falling for them again. And once again, they don't catch you. This goes on for a while, till you are surrounded by darkness and despair.
Then, you see this long hand coming at you. Do you grab it? Do you give up? These walls were bounding the vulnerable you. It is your home. The familiarity. What do you do? You never know whose hand this is. But at least it is a hand. I grabbed it and the walls caved in on me. I fought with myself for making such a decision and for destroying the well. It took with it all my emotions and feelings and ability to love and care.
When I came above ground, there was a lot of sunlight and trees and fresh air. My body felt better. I found my mind again. But my heart kept revisiting the ruins of the well. The hole was trying to close itself, burying all my emotions. Every time I went back, the hole would reopen a little for me to be able to greet my feelings. After some time I realised that I am stopping the hole to fill and close and build something on it. The shadows of well asked me to stay away. So I am away now. I visit the site sometimes. I am happy that there is a new construction going on. 

Yesterday, I wanted a dad very badly. I was feeling like december again and I wanted someone to tell me that it is going to be alright. Well, I do have company to tell me that, but for the first time I missed having a father-like figure like everyone else. I know so many people who look up to and lean on their fathers, including my mother and I keep thinking how lucky they are. I cried for many hours. pleaded to people to find me one. In vain ofcourse. It was an absurd demand, I agree now.

Today, I am fine. Somehow, I picked up the pieces into which I broke myself the last night, and I am holding them together with a string. The string is of course made of hope. Not the hope of finding a dad, but that of being alright without having one. The hope of moving on, being with myself. Often I feel like a helpless child, waiting to be picked up. I forget how I am still with me. That, I can pamper and discipline myself. 

That

I noticed that uptil now, during the 24 years that i have lived, i have always witnessed this situation where a close one is getting hurt and i cant help. for if i try, they get more hurt. i harm them even more than before. its like i am inside a fishbowl with dark water inside, while the others are outside, and if i try to come out and help, the darkness spreads. so i scream and shout and bang the walls silently lest they suffer more.

part 2-hya tomake

Another similarity between us is that we have very few friends. In general, you and i judge people very easily. We try to simplify human beings and attach the tag of good or bad to them. But we are all grey! Noone is good or bad. In particular, we have to keep in mind that that people are not always trying to attack us. Everyone is having a hard time. Everyone has their own way of dealing with situations amd we might not always agree to them. So what? Its their life....they get to choose what they do. Luckily so do you and i. Personally, i chose to look beyond what displeases me in a person. I chose and am trying hard to accept the different shades of human nature and when i sometimes succeed, my life becomes so much more colourful. Going out and meeting people is scary but it brings me closer to understanding how i would like to live my life for now. You and i, i'm sure, would go beyond the closed room that our mind is. Lets see who reaches there first!

Finally, i would like to talk about my mother and your wife but above all, this individual called Nandini. Do we not both love and admire how wonderful she is? Do we not both love to be loved by her, taken care of by her? Yes both of us are nodding. Let us agree on another important fact too, then. She works very hard and tries her best to keep all of us going. She never puts herself before others and neglects herself tremendously in order to make people smile. You might say that even you did that. Yes, i appreciate and recognise that. I am lucky to have both of you in a certain way and i try to imitate your actions when it comes to helping. Now that we are talking about helping others, i must point out to you that she is sad and distressed and needs our help. She has been fighting for too long. Now we need to fight for her. 55years she has led without thinking of her own desires. She has sacrificed too much. Let us make her happy. Let us encourage her to do what she wants. Let us make her smile. This is an easy job for us because due to her nature she is already open to many activities and new things in life. She has started giving up and we cannot let that happen. You and i must make her believe that it is her own life and she has the right to do what she wants as long as she doesnt harm anybody. We both know that she would never hurt a fly. If we become insecure or afraid, we must ask ourselves, didnt she prove to us already how much love for us she carries in her heart?
By now you must be thinking that i am too biased towards her and see no flaw. Let me tell you a secret. I have been hurt by her too, many times. She isn't perfect, just like us. But love goes beyond imperfections. And so does maturity.
I am sorry i had to choose my mother over you. But i am sad that i had to choose at all. I hope you live and let live.
Regards,
The lost daughter of a father.

Hya tomake

Dear Baba,
I am writing this letter because I would never be able to say to you what i am about to say and I don't even want you to read this because i dont want to be responsible for any consequences of my blog post.
I want to first tell you a few things about myself. I have gone through a miserable childhood when it came to family time. I have grown up watching my parents fight. Ofcourse i was forced to take sides because i was witnessing everything from close quarters. I chose ma over you. Was it a mistake? I wonder. Maybe, if i stood up for you, things would have been better. You wouldnt have felt betrayed by my mother or me. Maybe, you would have been different, and I would have a father. But i did what was logical to me. I did what i thought was right. I was trying to save the person i love the most in the world from this man who always hurt her for no reason. I shall come back to that later. So when you were shouting abuses and hitting my mother, brother and even me, you hurt me. I got hurt again and again and i am sure you did too because repeatedly i showed my preference to ma. So it is like a cycle at a first glance and i might never know who got hurt first. But i came much later. I was born many years after your marriage and during all those years you often fought with her. Hence, i can comfort myself by saying it wasnt me. You know, i was trying very hard to safely preserve those moments when you and ma agreed and laughed together, cared for each other without any difference of opinion. Trust me, they are very few. Maybe i came into this world a bit too late and i missed those moments. During these peaceful times, i used to tell myself that you would stop hurting my mother and her family and lastly me, because i needed a father. A father is a very important man in someone's life and i truly needed someone to depend on during my rough childhood. But Baba, you broke my heart. Again and again amd again.
Now, i am an adult, much more matured than before, much less angered, lost in my own problems. In India or in this country whenever i visit a family with a father who is loved and admired by his family, i feel jealous. I feel sad and a stranger to this feeling of loving a father. For me, its an emotion which doesnt exist. If someone probes me too much, all that they would get out me in the end would be sorrow and anger. Am i holding you responsible for this? Ofcourse not. Its beyond my capability to forget and forgive. That doesnt meqn i dont try, but it takes a lot of time and thinking to be able to be neutral towards you. I must also mention that due to this lack of a father figure, i grow strange feelings towards middleaged men who are caring towards me.
Anyway, now lets talk about you. I am trying to understand you for different reasons. Firstly i dont want to hate you. Secondly, people say i am like you and thats why i have always hated myself. By understanding you i would like to prove to people that i am not what you are. Thirdly, i want to help my mother, but like i said, lets come back to that later. When i said that i want to talk about you i didnt mean that i wouldlike to criticise you. That would be very easy for me. But i choose the more difficult path
According to me, you are a highly emotional person. Emotions are irrationalities of our mind. They blind us, they stop us from thinking. They made me hate you, they made you hate my mother and her family and they made my mother care for you even after all this time. You have a way of thinking which is very different from mine and i accept it. All of us are not the same. In my way of thinking i accept that, and in your way you dont. Another fundamental difference between you and i is that you are not open to criticism, you think what you do, say or think is correct even if there are millions of contradictions in front of you. I accept that to. When it comes to similarities between us, i should definitely start with insecurity. Both of us have hurt people who love us dearly for no reason, because we were afraid of not being loved. I feel so guilty when i realise that i have been depriving my loved ones from their liberty just because of our stupid imagination. It is like clipping the wings of our favourite bird. That is so unfair to them. We chose to love them, they are not obliged to love us back and if they still do and they have stayed with us during our thick and thin then they wont leave for the stupid reasons that you and i make up in our minds. I really hopethat both of us let our loved ones breathe and prosper for we are lucky to have them. People who love us are so rare to find and we cant afford to hurt the handful of those who show affection.

............end of part 1.....,,,,,,

List of facts i havent accepted yet

1. Pontai passed away (4days)
2. Didi passed away (11months)
3. Dadu passed away (13months)
4. Alan's kidneys failed (2013, Dec)
5. Alan gave up math (may, 2014)
6. Alan gave up studying
7. I broke up with Alan
8. I get bad marks even if I study
9. I am not with Alan anymore
10. See 1 to 9.

Dear D'

I am fine. 

DDE1

First you form concentric circles and eliminate the listeners. You are at the centre ofcourse. then with each passing day, you cross each circle and inwards towards yourself. so many people you leave behind. I am standing on the last circle. one more step and it would be just me. D' is still left. once i go beyond, ill be alone.
This would be my first time. i am pretty eager and scared at the same time. 

People

Suppose, everyday you get to be a new person. Everyone around you can be you. You wake up and you are your best friend. Next morning, you become that person you judged and hated yesterday. Do you think that would solve problems in our world? Do you think we can be less violent if we can be all of us?

Friend

I lost my temper and a friend again. I keep honoring her withthattittle and shefails me every time.
But I never lose D'.

Today i will be tested again, mntally. With horrible stomach ache, i have to climb 300 steps and a sloping region with a heavy backpack and a heavier suitcase, alone. All the best to me.

Dear D'

He said, "I am afraid that I would be sad if I go there."
Luckyhim, I thought, for I am afraid of happiness. Should I call myself brave that I don't fear being sad or a coward who does not dare to be happy?

Today i figured out what my problem was. I was putting too much blame on my brains by calling myself stupid all the time, that i am not intelligent enough like other. But the real reason why i am "stupid"is that i don't think or more importantly i can't concentrate. Its a a pure lack of concentration. I know this because, when i actually think properly, i get things very easily, atleast faster than what i expect from myself given that i have accepted the fact that i aam a slow thinker. Thing is i am slow not because i am dull, its coz i get distracted very very easily.
This actually made me feel better, because now i know that i am smart and that the "stupidity"comes from my laziness and lack of concentration.
i guess i am the one stopping myself from being better. things have to change now.

Dear D'

So i decided to lie to everyone who asks how i am. if i lie repeatedly, may be ill start believing myself that i am happy, that i am fine. 

How do I talk?

Dear D',
Do we mourn for the dead or for the absence of the personalities we prefer?

Always.

Noise

This place has killed my voice. My insides scream, but I don't know how to speak. My silence has isolated me from the outside world.