That HURTS.

yesterday i dreamt that we were fighting the orks. i liked the dream so i wud like to share...
we (there were ppl, all familiar but why were they here i dont know, but the battle takes place at our house which has got a makeover :P) were having fun when news came that the orks were coming for us. there were surely no place to hide but this time we decided to fight back. we made strategies and positioned ourselves accordingly. they always come through the walls (!) so about 15 of us including me were on the bench with daggers in our hands( dont laugh out). they are coming...their heavy footsteps set everything into vibrations. as they ushered in we held our breath. i was afraid and were the others. those beastly thing broke everything. the chief came towards me, i gathered all my courage and faced him. something happened, i dont clearly remember, and then i stabbed him, many times and he died! i m always against killing at that moment i was too happy to notice the other orks coming. our plan was to run upstairs where there is a secret path to escape this place. but to reach that place we all have to face the orks again. we hid behind the 2 single beds in tilakmama's room...so can see we were barely hiding. they obviously came but then what happened again i dont remember. after that we were all running towards the secret path. it resembled a toilet with american system. the hole was not very big and apparently impossible for a human to pass through it. so we were stuck and the orks were coming. ppl screamed at me to hurry up. all of a sudden the hole enlarged and i fell through a burrow-like path and finally reached somewhere near park street. it was in the middle of the night that we escapees landed there. then my dream changed.
i kno this was kind of stupid. but i was happy when i woke up. that narrow escape and me killing the ork chief were really something to be happy about. i could have given some effects to this writing to make it sound a little bit like experiencing the dream reality. but i have to go back to maths now. so later sometime maybe....

i m a bad narrator. after reading so many thrillers i shouldn't be writing so flatly. no practice..

i m feeling low. like a fish out of water. cant find the right thing to make myself happy. results maybe? or the end of this monotony...but gatherings, friends, laughing-out-loud-at-jokes...these donot attract me at all. i m stuck. cant break free. but time is running away. i think i need to go out of station for a few days. i really need a break. off to somewhere peaceful.
i have stopped singing, painting, photographing...
this is sooooooooo suffocating.

man, let me breathe! results and exams all at the same time....what do u think i am? a saint or something?
my friends are visiting cinemas, malls...when shall i be free??????
these Olympiad books are driving me crazy.
i m suffering from severe mouth ulcer...3 of them at the same place...cant talk, smile. i m using sign languages and ppl are asking me yes/no questions. :P
hungry...but food means pain. :'(

I am reading a lot of books....yes yes story books. i finished rebecca within a day(read it for the 4th time i guess). its my favourite book! i love daphne's writings!
ma was reading Thousand splendid suns, i m reading it in between.
i made maggi at 1 am today.....i was hungry...hehe.
ma is back to her "gombhir, u-r-a-stranger-living-my-house mode" again.... duh!

phew! (not yet)
my exam-spirit has been diluted, thanks to the numerous exams that i am attending :P
i m studying very little. i don't feel like reading those same things again. i m giving 6 exams, one for my dear bro, one for my sweet mother and one for all the 3rd persons. the rest is for myself... :P

i m missing a lot of fun. visits to malls, cinemas, hill stations, seaside...a big NO to all. i m now watching the same episodes of rurouni kenshin again and again and again... i wont be surprised if the media player says the next time, "i m bored....can i play something else?"

its so cold nowadays....snowy evenings, chilly mornings...the sun is being too polite...

we used to have the line in our geography books, "May is the hottest month of the year."
now another line should be added...."April, June, July are catching up too!" so much competition is in the air.
one shud now ask how was others' exam? and not how was urs...:D everything depends upon this new person-- "others"

the results are going to be declared soon. but no, my exams will not be finished even then....haha!
anyway, gotta go.

I m THE SUN.....big deal! x(

here is this sick feeling making me depressed. today is my b'day yet i m not happy or excited. i m tensed, and disappointed... i m forcing myself to smile but deep inside i m crying. everything has become black and white. it seems as if i m tired of colours. let there be no colours permanently. their coming and going make me sad.
i really dont know what i want. a lot of happiness destabilizes me, i fail to resist myself from the temptations. and a long period of nothingness depresses me. but sometimes i feel that i m afraid of being happy becoz when the happiness ends, a wave of pain crashes on the beach.

i hv such a small circle of friends! i m studying in the same school for 15 years yet when i had to make a list of friends to invite, i found 3...only!
i want to get rid of this hiya. i dislike her. i have always dreamt about a greater hiya but failed to become so. life has just started, so i guess i have a lot of opportunities to change myself.
i feel really lonely at times...we all do i guess. i call my favourite ppl by name (not literally) again and again and when they donot answer, i cry.

"the necessary and sufficient conditions for the existence of....."
i m getting bored a bit.
my mother took me to a cultural programme yesterday and i was compelled to listen to loud, noisy songs....i prefer the calculus more. ohhhh what an experience! i listen to music via my computer, so i have complete control over what i listen. but yesterday, i was chained up and forced to listen to things which i dont want to, for hours. i felt like running away....
how much i cherished the silence after wards while returning home. during dinner, even the low-volumed tv channels seemed to be irritatingly loud!
i m very tensed about the exam on the 9th. i m trying not to feel the pressure but thats not possible. i have worked hard for this but hard-work is a necessary condition here but not a sufficient one.
a seat in isi, thats my wish for this b'day and for the upcoming 100 b'days....i want it so badly. i dont want a new cell, holidays, parties, movies, story books, entertainment of any sort.... just this. i have dreamed about it for days....
ohh....

its actually raining!!!

oh how much i waited for this and now when its over the pain has increased so much. why does this always happen? the happy times end so quickly and the long hours of wait seem to be endless?

pooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! booooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bang bang bang bang...!!!! its over!
coming up next...the fast and furious wbjee!!!!!!!!
dada came yesterday and i went to mayukhda's house in the evening with him. i saw rudiments!!! there was a huge library full of mathematics. i tried some books and obviously looked at pictures only... :P
ohhhhhhh when will this end?? ar valolagchena....eto tension....
now i will be able to read maths though which i was looking forward to, all these days.i had a nice refreshing break yesterday after weeks of tension and frustration and fear.
i m using the computer right in the morning coz there's no guarantee that i wud be able to do so in any other time of the day....dada's here! he bought me an icecream yesterday...hehehe!
i can chatter like this all day. i havent talked with my friends(i mean the gossiping part :P) for days...they never call me. i keep calling them up. sometimes one or 2 msgs come but cant reply, thanks to my biiiiiig balance.
anyway have to go now. have to decide what to study.
bye!!!

The day before...

I think the situation is similar to that of "the charge of the light brigade". the opposition is so enormously powerful and u have only a few ways of self defense (leave alone attack...!!!).
The Two Towers. people of rohan waiting for the innumerable orks coming towards them. all the fighters are not even trained soldiers; some are kids, old people, farmers, workers. the long wait in the rain...u can hear their footsteps from a long distance. the last hope is still in ur heart. maybe we can get through this.
why is education being kept in chains like this? why cant it be free? why has it become a nasty war, butchering minds like anything?
are the complains due to weakness?
i thought education was for filling ur minds with light, not with tension and fear. but thats what it is doing. how many of us REALLY studied chemistry or physics or mathematics truly from our hearts and not for getting into some renowned institution? we just mug up formulae with the hope that we might b able to use them in exams. maybe that works. but is that education? maybe it will help u to get a tag which will say that u r educated...but is that it?
after 2 years of tuitions and notes and xerox copies and fat books, i feel that i hv learnt very little. i hardly felt physics or chemistry and thats why it is getting so difficult to prepare for exams like iit. we r taught things becoz they r going to come in exams. some of my friends dont even know what they will study after school finals. they just say i want to go to jadavpur university or iit. marks, ranks have taken away the beauty of the subjects. and noone can complain coz they ensure good future(money, jobs, etc).
maybe i m saying this coz i m losing the rat race. it may not be so.
we think so little about the subjects. instead we mug up...anything and everything!
but thats the way things go.
i have little chance tomorrow. i started preparing late. lets see what happens.
even if i manage to get through it, my views will not change.
bye.

up next....the hardest one!
the syllabus is really really fat....trust me. switching over from definitions to concepts and numericals is hard...no point in whining coz u r not the only one.
i m trying my best, lets see what happens.

i had pizza and futchka yesterday...yummy! i had yesterday's evening off. but i couldn't enjoy to the fullest, i have my iits this sunday!!!!!!!
when will i be free? that's the toughest question right now, tougher than those coming in the iit jee...hehehe....
ok bye

i m feeling sooooooo sleepy, it cant be chemistry....?!

3 left! up next, statistics followed by chemistry....

they have started wishing....
this is getting serious....
m fighting with bengali, lets see what happens.

is IPL everything?

Dont be tensed hiya....