here is this sick feeling making me depressed. today is my b'day yet i m not happy or excited. i m tensed, and disappointed... i m forcing myself to smile but deep inside i m crying. everything has become black and white. it seems as if i m tired of colours. let there be no colours permanently. their coming and going make me sad.
i really dont know what i want. a lot of happiness destabilizes me, i fail to resist myself from the temptations. and a long period of nothingness depresses me. but sometimes i feel that i m afraid of being happy becoz when the happiness ends, a wave of pain crashes on the beach.

i hv such a small circle of friends! i m studying in the same school for 15 years yet when i had to make a list of friends to invite, i found 3...only!
i want to get rid of this hiya. i dislike her. i have always dreamt about a greater hiya but failed to become so. life has just started, so i guess i have a lot of opportunities to change myself.
i feel really lonely at times...we all do i guess. i call my favourite ppl by name (not literally) again and again and when they donot answer, i cry.