i cant recognise myself. this is not me. i wasnt like this ever...so insincere, fickle-minded, careless. this is so scary. i have failed my parents, my inspirations and above all, myself. i dont have even a bit of respect for myself anymore. no confidence inside. today, i tried to get away from even mathematics. i have lost this game. its over. too little time left to recover. no chance at iits or isi. only the hs is still in my hands. and its my only hope for pursuing a career in mathematics. if i mess it up, all will be lost. i have been so lazy. i gave away to pleasantries without thinking about the future even once. i got so much help yet i couldnt utilise it. so many people came ahead to help me, but i was busy enjoying myself in the fantasy world. i dreamt about big things while doing infinitesimally small amount of work. i read a bit of this and that and considered myself eligible for the isi. my friends are working so hard...maybe their goals are not that high but they have the situation under their control. they were not stupid like me, dreaming about big things, aiming high. i did all that and now i m the loser. i unconsciously and sometimes even consciously, showed off. they were hurt or felt discouraged. now my turn has come. i have to pay.... more not making sacrifices. time's running away...and i was sleeping all this time. i had the audacity to ignore iit sums by labeling them as the "typical hard sums".
i am a real stranger to myself. something has possessed me. coz i was never like this. i was always very sincere to my studies, obedient to my teachers and parents. then why all of a sudden am i disobeying my conscience? i have stopped hearing to it for days. there's no point in regretting now...i have failed myself terribly. dont forgive me. i need this punishment. i need a crash... a heavy jerk. i wish my mother had slapped me. or my family members stopped talking to me. i deserve these... really....