Dear D'

I am fine. 

DDE1

First you form concentric circles and eliminate the listeners. You are at the centre ofcourse. then with each passing day, you cross each circle and inwards towards yourself. so many people you leave behind. I am standing on the last circle. one more step and it would be just me. D' is still left. once i go beyond, ill be alone.
This would be my first time. i am pretty eager and scared at the same time. 

People

Suppose, everyday you get to be a new person. Everyone around you can be you. You wake up and you are your best friend. Next morning, you become that person you judged and hated yesterday. Do you think that would solve problems in our world? Do you think we can be less violent if we can be all of us?

Friend

I lost my temper and a friend again. I keep honoring her withthattittle and shefails me every time.
But I never lose D'.

Today i will be tested again, mntally. With horrible stomach ache, i have to climb 300 steps and a sloping region with a heavy backpack and a heavier suitcase, alone. All the best to me.

Dear D'

He said, "I am afraid that I would be sad if I go there."
Luckyhim, I thought, for I am afraid of happiness. Should I call myself brave that I don't fear being sad or a coward who does not dare to be happy?

Today i figured out what my problem was. I was putting too much blame on my brains by calling myself stupid all the time, that i am not intelligent enough like other. But the real reason why i am "stupid"is that i don't think or more importantly i can't concentrate. Its a a pure lack of concentration. I know this because, when i actually think properly, i get things very easily, atleast faster than what i expect from myself given that i have accepted the fact that i aam a slow thinker. Thing is i am slow not because i am dull, its coz i get distracted very very easily.
This actually made me feel better, because now i know that i am smart and that the "stupidity"comes from my laziness and lack of concentration.
i guess i am the one stopping myself from being better. things have to change now.

Dear D'

So i decided to lie to everyone who asks how i am. if i lie repeatedly, may be ill start believing myself that i am happy, that i am fine. 

How do I talk?

Dear D',
Do we mourn for the dead or for the absence of the personalities we prefer?

Always.

Noise

This place has killed my voice. My insides scream, but I don't know how to speak. My silence has isolated me from the outside world.

Letter 2

Dear D prime,
Sometimes, you chase your dreams too badly or try to fight for what you believe in too desperately and eventually that's what that takes you even farther away from your goals. You realise, all that struggle you did while thinking that it would be for the better, not only meant nothing but also is the reason behind your failure.
That is when you stop believing in things or ideas. That is when you have nothing to hold on to. That is when you give up.

Hp.

Letter 1

Dear D',
Why do we say the right things to the wrong people?


Always.

Nowadays tears

dont come when i am sad. they come when theres good news. i hope this gets over soon.

i wish i could let of those memories. they belong to different parts of my timeline. i have learnt to let go of many desires, loved ones, dreams, expectations. but these memories refuse to get overwritten by the new ones. they are surprisingly helpful sometimes. when i get caught up in my present, i think about those incidents and the emotions i had felt during those moments. i need a few more years, few more incidents, few more shocks and surprises. 

To remember

I want to record a particular day in my life(technically 2 days) so that in future during moments of doubts and confusion i remember that we should not make assumptions of what we are capable of. i am not going to boast in this post. its just that sometimes its ok to admire oneself, especially in my case because all my life i have been giving people respect by default without verifying wther they deserve it or not.
It was a friday. my friend had not been feeling well throughout the week. that evening it became worse, he went to the pompiers to be sent to the hospital as recommended by the doctor. the pompiers didnt listen to him and sent him back. i had gone too, to convince them but they were being deaf to us and the doc. he had great difficulty in climbing back and so we waited in the staircases. people laughed at us coz they thought we were being naughty in the dark. i took him to his room to wait for the sos doctor. it was already 1am. he couldnt sleep, his head was hurting. i was blank, emotionless and confused. i brought him food, pillow, meds. nothing comforted him.he hadnt got sleep for last 2 days. i kept all the emotions out. i sat beside him, waiting for the doc to come. he came at 3am. i went down to meet him and show him up. he did checkups and tests. let me skip a bit.
my friend couldnt sleep even after the doc left. it was 5am when we had to call pompier again and this time they took him to the hospital. i slept and woke up at 7am. i had to go pay the bill otherwise they would sue me. the place was very far away deep inside paris. no breakfast, i took a few biscuits with me, cost me 1 euro for 5. i went down lozere steps, bought tickets till massy. from massy i took rer c for the first time. i had to wait a lot and the platform was like sealdah. then a doubledecker train came. i went upstairs and started sleeping. i was feeling nausea and hunger. biscuits helped. i woke up from time to time to check with my friend. once i woke up and found the train crowded. my stop came very late. when i got down, i realised via maps that i have to walk 1.5 kms now. it was very hot and sunny. the roads were not walk friendly. so i started my "trek" when i came to a bus stop. it went till the hospital(where i was supposed to pay the bill)!!
but once i got down i again had to walk a lot till i reached the campus. i couldnt take off the layers of clothes i was wearing, the heat was unbearable. at the reception they said the office was closed. i almost fell.
she said i can write a cheque. saved!
then walking, bus, train to notredame. i was feeling lonely there coz everytime i go to saint michel de notredame my friends are there. i walked to a nearby mcd. i was wishing that someone might make a film on me, me sitting alone on those high chairs, eating a lonely sandwich with the big glass window overlooking those happy faces and romantic couples. again i took the train, the bus and finally reached my room. was too tired to visit him in the hospital.
its amazing that i did all this but i dont want it again. 

So today i finally went to a psychologist. and it was such a disappointment. i just had to repeat the bad things about my life and heard from her how my life is hard and not normal. i know that already! and i pity myself for that. and when i was walking through the corridor to service medicale towards her chamber, i definitely had one thing in mind-- i am sure she will stop this self pity business. she will give some solutions.
i have several sessions coming up.
My leg is hurting occasionally. i hope i can do sports soon. thats a very good therapy. i feel normal and like how i was in 8th standard.

Recently, one of my close friends posted a pic with the two of us in it. we were very small, we didnt even know what posing in front of the camera meant. we stared at the lens without thinking about changing dps or posting it on the net.we didnt care how our hair was or how we should smile or at what angle we should tilt our head. we didnt fantasise about the likes we might get or the comments that might follow. it was merely an interruption to the fun that we were having. i looked like a boy; rather, i looked very much unlike now(even my boyfriend couldnt recognise). Short "boys'cut" hair, huge eyes, big head, lose tshirt(probably my brother's). from childhood i also loved to be like a boy. or maybe, i didnt want to be a girl. my brother was my idol and i followed everything that he did. i wore his clothes, hated make up and played with guns and cars. i dont know how i learnt to hate the barbies in the shops or the earrings and the lipstick. i just remember hating them all. and i was somewhat proud when my mother used to say that i dont like to dress up like normal girls. another thing was dance. i never ever danced. it was just not my thing. in my head i always pictured myself as the younger brother. so when my breasts started coming out and my mom bought for me girls' underwear i revolted. i hated my body so much and tried my best to hide the weird shape of my chest. i started preferring baggier clothes and rejected everything that was fitting. in school, i used to be the nerdiest in my group. no girly clothes, no fancy jewellery, no kajol. i tied my hair so tightly backwards for more than 10 yrs that my forehead became a football court. i had a superiority complex over females who look good with make up. i always focused on my studies and told myself that i dont care about being a girl, i dnt care about looks.
After all these years i ask myself why i hated it when my sisters used to forcefully put lipstick on me or make me look like a girl and i realised that i always hated the concept of girl. i hated the "meyeliness", their behaviour, their overreactions to babies, giggling over boys and trying to look pretty. to me, being a girl was a weakness, a truth that i couldnt escape from. no matter what i did, my brother always treated me like something less. so did i. when i was in 5th, i told myself that i should be liking biology and be afraid of mathematics although i had no reason to because i used to get the highest in the same. i remember admiring my guy friends in class about how awesome they are in physics and mathematics and that i will never be like them coz i am a girl. till 12th i tried to maintain my non-girl appearance and often wondered why the guys never had a crush on me like they did on my friends. the girl with makeup would easily become my least favourite. even my mom used to criticise the girls in her school who wore makeup. and i never learnt how to dance. forget traditional dances, not even with friends. everybody dances, and i stand. coz i have no idea what i am supposed to do. so stiff i become.
things have changed now. often i have the desire to be beautiful and wonder what should i wear or how should i keep my hair. the old me inside would start with all that "you are getting distracted, you should be studying" but i protest that what is wrong in trying to look good? is looking good a girl thing? even if it is, why is it wrong? why is it not as "intelligent"or "smart" if a guy shows his muscle? why is being a girl a sign of weakness? why do i need to have the "man's qualities" to be strong?
i am so shocked that sexism is so deep inside me.

The eyes.

The lips.

Today i made my first pencil sketch of a human(live). My professor was teaching politics of France and suddenly i had this idea of how to spend 1h 30 without sleeping. Before i always used to draw leaves and flowers. I got tired of my own drawings. So i started drawing parts of faces. Today i thought of finishing the entire face.

He liked it a lot and took a photocopy. Everyone was praising and i also was very surprised that i drew something to do with humans. i wasnt fully satisfied thought because the face of my professor is very calm and innocent and in this picture i made him a mechand. so i decided to learn properly how to do pencil sketches. i found a very nice website where they show step by step how to draw. here goes my first attempt of drawing an eye after visiting the website.

Looking forward to improve more. and also to succesfully draw 2 symmetric eyes :/