Not here or there...or anywhere.

weeks are passing by very fast. with or without any results, sometimes not even efforts. Sometimes i am getting bored too much. I went out many times, spent a lot of money...mostly on food though.
Today i saw the himalayas from the balcony of my room. it was quite a surprise. the only good thing that happened today i guess. i am B-O-R-E-D. and am not working at all. lost motivation. to do anything. even hamging out with adyasha and poulami seem tiring sometimes.(edited)
in fact, every friend of mine here(now i realise, everywhere) talks about himself or herself to me. all the time i am listening. sometimes, not even listening, just nodding.
Whenever i am alone i do mostly 2 things:
1. I think about life in ecole, imagine situations, the nature of the new people i am going to meet and how i am possibly going to react or behave. Would i be able to adjust? would i talk there or stay quiet like here? how would be the food? How much would i miss my family, city? How would life be in a foreign country?
2. i think about home. i try to imagine what i would have been doing if i had not come to mohali. about the cats. mother. my room. friends. the awesome wifi. i am not homesick though.
at the end of the day, i feel like am nowhere.
At mohali, i know i wont be here for long so i cant settle down mentally. after i go back home, there also i cant allow myself to get settled again, and ecole...it seems so far off. Am i overthinking? i am just confused about where i should be. i hate this floating condition. 

Finally.

It took 15 minutes to open this page. I would consider it to be a training to increase my patience. ;(
So, more than a week has passed since i came to IISER. From the beginning only i was planning to write blog but then i got distracted in many ways.
I reached ChandigarH station at 3:45 am with my dad. I had got little sleep that night as i was haunted by the iwillhavetostayalonefornext6weeks feeling. i was very very homesick already in the train. to distract my mind i had started doing math and it worked to some extent. i solved a few problems which i couldnt do earlier. there was a huge bengali group going to himachal pradesh. i kept remembering the sanibasor trips i had. nostalgia.
so anyway when i reached chandigarh it was dark and hot and full of mosquitoes. after freshening up, my father and i took an auto to IISER Mohali. it wasnt dark anymore. we reached the campus at around 6. The campus is still under construction. 2 hostels are done. they look really cool. i was given my room on 6th floor. i was highly impressed by the hostel,rooms and washrooms and also the cleanliness that is maintained here. ill post pics later.
we had breakfast and then lunch. A girl from punjab university came to me to talk. Somal Preet. She is also doing math project. Thats the first friend i made. Later i came to know she is multitalented and quite popular in her college. She is "Department Representative". She also topped from her district in boards. knows singing, dancing etc etc.
An auto came to take my father to the station at around 4. i watched his auto leave from the private balcony each room has. then started my homesickness.
luckily, my senior from college who is currently studying in IISERM but has gone to IMSC for summer project, has some really good friends here, Poulami and Adyasha. Both of them are from biology. they take care of me as if i am there own sister. They introduced me to many other girls and boys. i also took initiative to make new friends. i made many acquaintances in a short period of time.
My room is a bit isolated. Another girl stays beside my room but she always shuts herself up inside her room so i dont really have any company when m in my room.
I met my mentor on the next day. i missed his email, thanks to the awesome wifi, and i was late for the meeting. thankfully he is a very nice person and overlooked it. he asked about my interests and i said algebraic topology. i had wanted to study it for long. anyway he asked me a few questions to check whether i am ok with the prerequisites and i could answer them. then he introduced me to the subject and told me the topics that i am going to cover.
although i got work to do, the homesickness weakened and distracted me. i cried a lot and was depressed for next 2-3 days. i could hardly study and always felt lonely. the people here are doing projects mostly on bio or chemistry or somelab based subjects. so they leave in the morning and stay in their respective labs whole day. my subject being theoretical ( i was cursing it for days), i had to stay in the hostel whole day. also i had to meet my mentor only once a week, unlike my other math friends who meet their mentors every other day. this experience is totally new for me. i was scared and afraid that i might not be able to stay here and also not in France. My mom suggested that i can buy tickets and come back. but it was very disappointing to hear that from her. i was angry with my self for being so weak and dependent on the others. i cried for hours every day. i hated the fact that i cant stay alone while others can, so easily. i was in a total mess. one day, i gathered all my courage, prepared myself mentally during the whole day to sleep at night in my isolated wifi-deprived room. that night before going to sleep i made many new friends. i chatted with them for an hour and gained some confidence. then i went to sleep. my brother had told me to face the fear squarely. so i decided to do that. i watched some comedy on my laptop and when i was drowsy i went to sleep. my sleep was interfered many times but i passed the night. i finally woke up from a nightmare and felt lonely again. anyway i did the daily chores and distracted my mind. it was a small(big to me) achievement and i felt happy. or rather less sad. i tried to study in the reading room. i met somal there and i cleared her doubts and discussed. the day passed quickly.
poulami had left for patna that day, so i decided to stay in her room as it had wifi. so for the bext 3-4 nights i slept alone. i spent a lot of time alone. i went out with adyasha a couple of times. she made sure that i am never lonely. i visited her lab once. before that there was the math seminar.
slowly, i should say really slowly, am getting used to this new environment. i dont feel sad all the time nowadays. i do feel homesick right after i wake up or after talking to my parents. but then poulami and adyasha's constant company and also studies make me forget that stinging pain for sometime. when i am alone i think and talk to myself a lot. i found many answers and many questions were raised. some of the solutions i know but i am taking time to implement them in the real life.
initially i was always avoiding the stay in my room. so yesterday i forced myself to study in my room for couple of hours. i solved a problem with which i was stuck for 2 days.
i have to study more and harder. this initial week taught me many things.
i realised that if i want to be strong, i can. but when a situation comes where am allowed to be weak, i become so weak that its difficult to accept that i was strong a few moments back when there wasnt any other option.
i also realised that i can stay alone whole day in someone else's room but cant stay for more than a few hours in mine. all these years, i have stayed in other people's company so much that i never got to be with myself. being with myself scares me. or rather i feel like am with a stranger. when am with others, or even just in their rooms i feel more comforted. its very weird. am still trying to find answers.
whenever i am homesick, i remind myself about ecole and how i would get to see my family only once a year. previously i was thinking about going home. now its more of a challenge, an opportunity to train myself, understand myself and be with myself. and i would be a foolish person to give up on this.
i feel stronger now. being alone is not that hard. obviously i miss family and friends, but i have accepted it. there's no point in resisting and not getting in terms with the situation. i have to grow up. someday or the other. so i choose it to be today. now.
i am an emotional person. a child. so things are more difficult for me. first i thought i would have to give up on my emotions. i was scared. now i am thinking about keeping my emotions and being strong as well. being emotional is a part of me. i cant change it. i can use it to make myself stronger.
phew! i wrote so much. i am hungry. its lunch time now.
i couldnt write about every detail. ill try to upload pics. today i have to meet my mentor so i am a bit tensed. i hope everything goes well.
the temperature has gone down after the rain. am feeling better.
i am still stuck with two problems though. i have been trying them for so long.
anyway, gotta go.

So um i decided to write. Mostly its going to be list of incoherent incidents. I got wet in the rain and walked in it for 1 km. i feel close to nature when the rain drops fall on my face and hands. they are like some kind of messengers, whispering news of distant lands to me. i feel happy and sad and excited and protected. When the wind blows, i completely surrender to nature. now i am posting 2 pics...

i miss painting.

baaje chinta

paglami porikhar aage

Do you have one of those days when you are dissatisfied with everyone around you? today was one such day for me. man, whats up with everybody and, me? i cant change anybody except for myself. oh that same old saying. but its kinda true. noone is a voldy out there, cant even hate them damn it! i guess my famous venn diagram theory works only. i feel sorry for ma, dada, patadidi. and am sick of the other two ditto beings. i mean just look at them! they are just carbon copies of themselves. no wonder they dont get along. but I HAVE TO get along with both of them and that too with a smiling face. darn! everybody blames everyone else! i really pity us. the humans. we are so helpless at times. and lonely. no GOD or something comes to help us out. its us and only us. hats off to us! oops i used too many us's. oops again! :P
i always try to shut myself up inside my own world. but cant avoid the reality always, can i? thankfully math is so abstract.
i m feeling so negative now.

take a pencil and piece of paper and do hijibiji on it very badly. then that will describe my mental state. or maybe u take out something from the refrigerator and make it half warm in the oven. that cold and hot feeling simultaneously when u eat it, may also do the job. my head is so heavy, more than few kilos. i m happy and sad eksathe so there's a restless feeling inside me. cant concentrate of course that's why i m blogging. should i list the things which r bothering me? ok
1. i cant decide which topic to give a presentation upon. one teacher suggested analysis but i cudnt find anything, another suggested "something new" which gave birth to the nexr problem
2. i want to do cantor sets or continued fractions as suggested by mm but my partner wants to do patterns badly. now initially it was me and asmita only. i had requested mriganka to join us. he has good knowledge abt maths and number theory specially. he is a good guy. but now if i dont let him do patterns then he will be disappointed. 3. the teacher whom i mentioned first was against such recreational topics and he likes me and even praises me in front of the others. now if i go against him, he may be dissatisfied and things may turn nasty.
4. i m being,almost by mental force, taken to the departmental picnic on sunday. in the evening there's a b'day party to attend. close friend. i have a biye bari the next day, and the day after it is saraswati puja. so all my evenings r gone and i still have homework to do.
5. ma is back to her form. she made me cry in the morning due to her "nice" behaviour for the last few days. maybe this is the 5th problem but it has a very big effect.

so u see, i m in a total mess.
dinner time.
bye

A republic is a state under a form of government in which the people, or some significant portion of them, retain supreme control over the government.[1][2] The term is generally also understood to describe a state where most decisions are made with reference to established laws, rather than the discretion of a head of state, and therefore monarchy is today generally considered to be incompatible with being a republic. One common modern definition of a republic is a state without a monarch.[3][4] The word "republic" is derived from the Latin phrase res publica, which can be translated as "a public affair".
Democracy is a political form of government in which governing power is derived from the people, by consensus (consensus democracy), by direct referendum (direct democracy), or by means of elected representatives of the people (representative democracy)


what is the difference??

 

My clean room :)

home pics2

click on the photo to view album

I just cleaned my room. dont tell ma, she was right abt that "chokhe araam laage". :P i will post the pic tomorrow. :)

Statistics practical is so mechanical. i have to calculate the squared deviation of each of the 33 four digit numbers. just imagine the stupidity of the whole thing. i found a good book on linear algebra in the library but thanks to that stats prac, i couldn't go through it satisfactorily.

i luv wednesdays!
went to gaaner class with ma. bad experience. i hate ppl who nag.

anyway bye

College starts with a BLAST! Had a great day. i realised today that i had missed kb and tb very much :)
i realised another thing...1 month left! and i had been so scared.....phew! found out that i have covered the major portions more or less. classical algebra still remains to be dealt with.
i wish i cud take pictures more often, like on roads, college, day to day stuff, etc. but i cant control the whole of my camera still. and many features are absent too. specifically, i miss high optical zoom. i have to learn a great deal about the usage of flash. to me, its the toughest job. also the shutter speed.after my sems are over, i will study abt the light thing on the net.
sometimes, especially during the pujas i often wondered why i m taking pictures of ALL the idols and pandals and stuff. i mean after a few days, i wont even take a look at them. i dont see my previous year's puja pics.so you see, i m a little uncertain about the objective of taking photos and hence not good at finding the right objects. anyway, time to go! bye...

Holiday!