its actually raining!!!

oh how much i waited for this and now when its over the pain has increased so much. why does this always happen? the happy times end so quickly and the long hours of wait seem to be endless?

pooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!! booooooooooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bang bang bang bang...!!!! its over!
coming up next...the fast and furious wbjee!!!!!!!!
dada came yesterday and i went to mayukhda's house in the evening with him. i saw rudiments!!! there was a huge library full of mathematics. i tried some books and obviously looked at pictures only... :P
ohhhhhhh when will this end?? ar valolagchena....eto tension....
now i will be able to read maths though which i was looking forward to, all these days.i had a nice refreshing break yesterday after weeks of tension and frustration and fear.
i m using the computer right in the morning coz there's no guarantee that i wud be able to do so in any other time of the day....dada's here! he bought me an icecream yesterday...hehehe!
i can chatter like this all day. i havent talked with my friends(i mean the gossiping part :P) for days...they never call me. i keep calling them up. sometimes one or 2 msgs come but cant reply, thanks to my biiiiiig balance.
anyway have to go now. have to decide what to study.
bye!!!

The day before...

I think the situation is similar to that of "the charge of the light brigade". the opposition is so enormously powerful and u have only a few ways of self defense (leave alone attack...!!!).
The Two Towers. people of rohan waiting for the innumerable orks coming towards them. all the fighters are not even trained soldiers; some are kids, old people, farmers, workers. the long wait in the rain...u can hear their footsteps from a long distance. the last hope is still in ur heart. maybe we can get through this.
why is education being kept in chains like this? why cant it be free? why has it become a nasty war, butchering minds like anything?
are the complains due to weakness?
i thought education was for filling ur minds with light, not with tension and fear. but thats what it is doing. how many of us REALLY studied chemistry or physics or mathematics truly from our hearts and not for getting into some renowned institution? we just mug up formulae with the hope that we might b able to use them in exams. maybe that works. but is that education? maybe it will help u to get a tag which will say that u r educated...but is that it?
after 2 years of tuitions and notes and xerox copies and fat books, i feel that i hv learnt very little. i hardly felt physics or chemistry and thats why it is getting so difficult to prepare for exams like iit. we r taught things becoz they r going to come in exams. some of my friends dont even know what they will study after school finals. they just say i want to go to jadavpur university or iit. marks, ranks have taken away the beauty of the subjects. and noone can complain coz they ensure good future(money, jobs, etc).
maybe i m saying this coz i m losing the rat race. it may not be so.
we think so little about the subjects. instead we mug up...anything and everything!
but thats the way things go.
i have little chance tomorrow. i started preparing late. lets see what happens.
even if i manage to get through it, my views will not change.
bye.

up next....the hardest one!
the syllabus is really really fat....trust me. switching over from definitions to concepts and numericals is hard...no point in whining coz u r not the only one.
i m trying my best, lets see what happens.

i had pizza and futchka yesterday...yummy! i had yesterday's evening off. but i couldn't enjoy to the fullest, i have my iits this sunday!!!!!!!
when will i be free? that's the toughest question right now, tougher than those coming in the iit jee...hehehe....
ok bye

i m feeling sooooooo sleepy, it cant be chemistry....?!

3 left! up next, statistics followed by chemistry....

they have started wishing....
this is getting serious....
m fighting with bengali, lets see what happens.

is IPL everything?

Dont be tensed hiya....

i opened my blog after many days....

COW
"u r a cow!", we say that to ppl when they donot behave according to our ideas and views.
but it is an innocent-looking sleepy kind of animal. we used to have a lot of cows "vagabonding" in our streets with their keepers running after them as if they had done something really bad.. (idle minds are not entertained at all here). some of them have horns which look scary. nature has given everyone a weapon to defend oneself. "ki boro boro shing dekhechis? ekdom odike jabena" we scare the babies with them when they behave like babies in front of them. we expect every1 to be a grown up, except ourselves. ok i m getting distracted.
cows have very big stomachs and they go on chewing without having chewing gums ( saves money that way....we should learn too...sticking chewed gums everywhere...yuck!!!). they walk about so slowly...no exams...
do they still take milk from them? everything is artificial nowadays. we r so cruel! i hate milk...i can say that...hehe
they have dreamy eyes. their tails....they r so long, almost slashed me once.
one bad habit. cant differentiate between toilets and walking space. they dont bother about places getting dirty. not even their mothers...
cows give me a feeling that we dont HAVE TO hurry all the time. hopes r still there for a good world.

i m in a terrific state of mind.

i didnt go for walking for the last 2 days!!!!! yesterday i wrote for many hours and at night my arm, wrist was aching like mad...
i will go for walking today.....i will i will i will!!!!
today i must practice english...havent touched those subjects for ages.
i was doing chemistry in the morning....so much to remember!!!

they r coming!!!!!

had a great tea in the evening and a fabulous dinner thanks to tilakmama.
today the madhyamik has started. solved a sum which i cudnt for the last 1 month i guess. feeling very happy!!!

'what is mathematics?' is an osadharon book. i was reading the chapter on functions, limit, continuity.....awesome!!!! everyone should read it... especially, those who think that maths is all about solving sums mechanically. albert einstein himself wrote the review of the book!!! i have just read one chapter...just imagine how it would feel like to read the whole book!!

today i didnt let my mother got to school. hehe! she doesnt have classes today, only the attendance is necessary and she has a few cls in her hand. so whats the point of going to school??
i have come to know that one of my friends is a reader of my blog. hehe...

nothing new. didnt go out for walking today. ma has made special dinner. did some physics mcq in the morning. heard noor-e-khuda from MNIK. nice song. exactly 1 month left. my iit mock test results came out today. did horribly in chemistry. physics was the best (the paper was easy, not my credit).
so many people dont have exams.

bounded!!!!


i have started teaching mathematics to a girl of class 9. the first hurdle is the language problem. she is a bengali medium student so it is very difficult for me to explain things and for her to understand. but she is a sincere student and a complete nerd...and a bit too good. i m very impatient hence this is a good opportunity to learn to be more patient. yesterday i was having difficulty in teaching her about factors and polynomials and the zeros. i tried my best, dont knowhow much she understood but she managed to do the sums on them mechanically and i remembered thats how we used to do sums too. in additional maths we had to compute standard deviations and we mugged up formulae and applied them without actually understanding what sd is. in class 11 things were clarified and i felt that we were not at all doing maths in classes 9-10, we were just imitating our teachers! but thats how one learns so nothing bad in that. yesterday i had a misconception about functions cleared. before that i was making such idiotic comments that my teacher said i was talking nonsense. hehe!
teaching is the most challenging job to me. it tests ur patience.

i dont feel like studying now. this is so monotonous...
all the time, tension and frustration accompany me, seems as if they r my only true friends...hehe...
i m feeling restless, impatient, angry, disappointed, anxious.......
i m already losing .....the game hasn't started yet.
my room is engulfing me, m feeling like as if i m inside the mouth of a dreadful monster.
no self-confidence.

ughhhhhhh i hate bengali exams...
finished lost symbol. it didnt live up to my expectations. the starting was good but the ending was very disappointing. ma has bought many books. but i m not going to read them now.
i m sleepy.
i just now received a message from one of my friends. he has read my blog and is scolding me :P
ok bye

i cant recognise myself. this is not me. i wasnt like this ever...so insincere, fickle-minded, careless. this is so scary. i have failed my parents, my inspirations and above all, myself. i dont have even a bit of respect for myself anymore. no confidence inside. today, i tried to get away from even mathematics. i have lost this game. its over. too little time left to recover. no chance at iits or isi. only the hs is still in my hands. and its my only hope for pursuing a career in mathematics. if i mess it up, all will be lost. i have been so lazy. i gave away to pleasantries without thinking about the future even once. i got so much help yet i couldnt utilise it. so many people came ahead to help me, but i was busy enjoying myself in the fantasy world. i dreamt about big things while doing infinitesimally small amount of work. i read a bit of this and that and considered myself eligible for the isi. my friends are working so hard...maybe their goals are not that high but they have the situation under their control. they were not stupid like me, dreaming about big things, aiming high. i did all that and now i m the loser. i unconsciously and sometimes even consciously, showed off. they were hurt or felt discouraged. now my turn has come. i have to pay.... more not making sacrifices. time's running away...and i was sleeping all this time. i had the audacity to ignore iit sums by labeling them as the "typical hard sums".
i am a real stranger to myself. something has possessed me. coz i was never like this. i was always very sincere to my studies, obedient to my teachers and parents. then why all of a sudden am i disobeying my conscience? i have stopped hearing to it for days. there's no point in regretting now...i have failed myself terribly. dont forgive me. i need this punishment. i need a crash... a heavy jerk. i wish my mother had slapped me. or my family members stopped talking to me. i deserve these... really....

i havent been so tensed in my whole life(almost 2 decades, dont underestimate). there is this strange painful emotion that is captivating all my spirits... dampening them. sometimes it is so convincing that even breathing is difficult. and it IS hampering my concentration which is the worst part. there are so many things to remember. time is very short. m distracting myself from those terrifying thoughts by reading "the lost symbol" by dan brown. it keeps my mind engaged. also studies themselves distract my mind. otherwise, i become a victim of negative feelings. people say,"its just the beginning..."

i hate this rat race. competition, marks, ranks.....i want to scream!!!!
am i saying all this coz i m losing the game? i dont know.
lakhs are doing what i m doing. i wish the education system did more to make studies an attraction itself rather than making colleges, universities, marks ranks the shah rukh khans.



survival of the fittest.... it has always been that way.