Today i will be tested again, mntally. With horrible stomach ache, i have to climb 300 steps and a sloping region with a heavy backpack and a heavier suitcase, alone. All the best to me.

Dear D'

He said, "I am afraid that I would be sad if I go there."
Luckyhim, I thought, for I am afraid of happiness. Should I call myself brave that I don't fear being sad or a coward who does not dare to be happy?

Today i figured out what my problem was. I was putting too much blame on my brains by calling myself stupid all the time, that i am not intelligent enough like other. But the real reason why i am "stupid"is that i don't think or more importantly i can't concentrate. Its a a pure lack of concentration. I know this because, when i actually think properly, i get things very easily, atleast faster than what i expect from myself given that i have accepted the fact that i aam a slow thinker. Thing is i am slow not because i am dull, its coz i get distracted very very easily.
This actually made me feel better, because now i know that i am smart and that the "stupidity"comes from my laziness and lack of concentration.
i guess i am the one stopping myself from being better. things have to change now.

Dear D'

So i decided to lie to everyone who asks how i am. if i lie repeatedly, may be ill start believing myself that i am happy, that i am fine. 

How do I talk?

Dear D',
Do we mourn for the dead or for the absence of the personalities we prefer?

Always.

Noise

This place has killed my voice. My insides scream, but I don't know how to speak. My silence has isolated me from the outside world.

Letter 2

Dear D prime,
Sometimes, you chase your dreams too badly or try to fight for what you believe in too desperately and eventually that's what that takes you even farther away from your goals. You realise, all that struggle you did while thinking that it would be for the better, not only meant nothing but also is the reason behind your failure.
That is when you stop believing in things or ideas. That is when you have nothing to hold on to. That is when you give up.

Hp.

Letter 1

Dear D',
Why do we say the right things to the wrong people?


Always.

Nowadays tears

dont come when i am sad. they come when theres good news. i hope this gets over soon.

i wish i could let of those memories. they belong to different parts of my timeline. i have learnt to let go of many desires, loved ones, dreams, expectations. but these memories refuse to get overwritten by the new ones. they are surprisingly helpful sometimes. when i get caught up in my present, i think about those incidents and the emotions i had felt during those moments. i need a few more years, few more incidents, few more shocks and surprises. 

To remember

I want to record a particular day in my life(technically 2 days) so that in future during moments of doubts and confusion i remember that we should not make assumptions of what we are capable of. i am not going to boast in this post. its just that sometimes its ok to admire oneself, especially in my case because all my life i have been giving people respect by default without verifying wther they deserve it or not.
It was a friday. my friend had not been feeling well throughout the week. that evening it became worse, he went to the pompiers to be sent to the hospital as recommended by the doctor. the pompiers didnt listen to him and sent him back. i had gone too, to convince them but they were being deaf to us and the doc. he had great difficulty in climbing back and so we waited in the staircases. people laughed at us coz they thought we were being naughty in the dark. i took him to his room to wait for the sos doctor. it was already 1am. he couldnt sleep, his head was hurting. i was blank, emotionless and confused. i brought him food, pillow, meds. nothing comforted him.he hadnt got sleep for last 2 days. i kept all the emotions out. i sat beside him, waiting for the doc to come. he came at 3am. i went down to meet him and show him up. he did checkups and tests. let me skip a bit.
my friend couldnt sleep even after the doc left. it was 5am when we had to call pompier again and this time they took him to the hospital. i slept and woke up at 7am. i had to go pay the bill otherwise they would sue me. the place was very far away deep inside paris. no breakfast, i took a few biscuits with me, cost me 1 euro for 5. i went down lozere steps, bought tickets till massy. from massy i took rer c for the first time. i had to wait a lot and the platform was like sealdah. then a doubledecker train came. i went upstairs and started sleeping. i was feeling nausea and hunger. biscuits helped. i woke up from time to time to check with my friend. once i woke up and found the train crowded. my stop came very late. when i got down, i realised via maps that i have to walk 1.5 kms now. it was very hot and sunny. the roads were not walk friendly. so i started my "trek" when i came to a bus stop. it went till the hospital(where i was supposed to pay the bill)!!
but once i got down i again had to walk a lot till i reached the campus. i couldnt take off the layers of clothes i was wearing, the heat was unbearable. at the reception they said the office was closed. i almost fell.
she said i can write a cheque. saved!
then walking, bus, train to notredame. i was feeling lonely there coz everytime i go to saint michel de notredame my friends are there. i walked to a nearby mcd. i was wishing that someone might make a film on me, me sitting alone on those high chairs, eating a lonely sandwich with the big glass window overlooking those happy faces and romantic couples. again i took the train, the bus and finally reached my room. was too tired to visit him in the hospital.
its amazing that i did all this but i dont want it again. 

So today i finally went to a psychologist. and it was such a disappointment. i just had to repeat the bad things about my life and heard from her how my life is hard and not normal. i know that already! and i pity myself for that. and when i was walking through the corridor to service medicale towards her chamber, i definitely had one thing in mind-- i am sure she will stop this self pity business. she will give some solutions.
i have several sessions coming up.
My leg is hurting occasionally. i hope i can do sports soon. thats a very good therapy. i feel normal and like how i was in 8th standard.

Recently, one of my close friends posted a pic with the two of us in it. we were very small, we didnt even know what posing in front of the camera meant. we stared at the lens without thinking about changing dps or posting it on the net.we didnt care how our hair was or how we should smile or at what angle we should tilt our head. we didnt fantasise about the likes we might get or the comments that might follow. it was merely an interruption to the fun that we were having. i looked like a boy; rather, i looked very much unlike now(even my boyfriend couldnt recognise). Short "boys'cut" hair, huge eyes, big head, lose tshirt(probably my brother's). from childhood i also loved to be like a boy. or maybe, i didnt want to be a girl. my brother was my idol and i followed everything that he did. i wore his clothes, hated make up and played with guns and cars. i dont know how i learnt to hate the barbies in the shops or the earrings and the lipstick. i just remember hating them all. and i was somewhat proud when my mother used to say that i dont like to dress up like normal girls. another thing was dance. i never ever danced. it was just not my thing. in my head i always pictured myself as the younger brother. so when my breasts started coming out and my mom bought for me girls' underwear i revolted. i hated my body so much and tried my best to hide the weird shape of my chest. i started preferring baggier clothes and rejected everything that was fitting. in school, i used to be the nerdiest in my group. no girly clothes, no fancy jewellery, no kajol. i tied my hair so tightly backwards for more than 10 yrs that my forehead became a football court. i had a superiority complex over females who look good with make up. i always focused on my studies and told myself that i dont care about being a girl, i dnt care about looks.
After all these years i ask myself why i hated it when my sisters used to forcefully put lipstick on me or make me look like a girl and i realised that i always hated the concept of girl. i hated the "meyeliness", their behaviour, their overreactions to babies, giggling over boys and trying to look pretty. to me, being a girl was a weakness, a truth that i couldnt escape from. no matter what i did, my brother always treated me like something less. so did i. when i was in 5th, i told myself that i should be liking biology and be afraid of mathematics although i had no reason to because i used to get the highest in the same. i remember admiring my guy friends in class about how awesome they are in physics and mathematics and that i will never be like them coz i am a girl. till 12th i tried to maintain my non-girl appearance and often wondered why the guys never had a crush on me like they did on my friends. the girl with makeup would easily become my least favourite. even my mom used to criticise the girls in her school who wore makeup. and i never learnt how to dance. forget traditional dances, not even with friends. everybody dances, and i stand. coz i have no idea what i am supposed to do. so stiff i become.
things have changed now. often i have the desire to be beautiful and wonder what should i wear or how should i keep my hair. the old me inside would start with all that "you are getting distracted, you should be studying" but i protest that what is wrong in trying to look good? is looking good a girl thing? even if it is, why is it wrong? why is it not as "intelligent"or "smart" if a guy shows his muscle? why is being a girl a sign of weakness? why do i need to have the "man's qualities" to be strong?
i am so shocked that sexism is so deep inside me.

The eyes.

The lips.

Today i made my first pencil sketch of a human(live). My professor was teaching politics of France and suddenly i had this idea of how to spend 1h 30 without sleeping. Before i always used to draw leaves and flowers. I got tired of my own drawings. So i started drawing parts of faces. Today i thought of finishing the entire face.

He liked it a lot and took a photocopy. Everyone was praising and i also was very surprised that i drew something to do with humans. i wasnt fully satisfied thought because the face of my professor is very calm and innocent and in this picture i made him a mechand. so i decided to learn properly how to do pencil sketches. i found a very nice website where they show step by step how to draw. here goes my first attempt of drawing an eye after visiting the website.

Looking forward to improve more. and also to succesfully draw 2 symmetric eyes :/

Was reading old posts. They make me happy , i feel protected. Is it strange? Being protected by memories? and images, and familiar stories. What i was before make me believe that i will be fine tomorrow.
Time is flying. it always did. so many times i wished that it passed faster. but now, i just try to to catch moments and hold on to them. but those happy hours just slip through my fingers. and i find myself walking alone. Here the roads are truely empty. Unlike Kolkata, where you just cant be on your own. Here its just emptiness. and silence. and closed shops with expensive clothes on display. How do people live here? I am in this neighbourhood for 2 and a half months but i have never seen the person who lives next door. the dog barks sometimes. what do they do all the time inside? dont they get tired of each other?
No actually, too many people tire you. But emptiness just makes you think, write blogs, remember.
The movie, Life(Part-2) began. i couldnt wait for it to release. counted months, weeks, days and hours. dreamt and planned. i never stopped to think that i will never be back. all that was so absolutely around me would just be gone. the people, the traffic, the food, the noises. they will be gone forever. the feeling of belonging to that place is gone because now you know that you cant stay.
 i planned how i am going to deal with situations here, how i will talk to people, how i will deal with homesickness, etc. and i am doing fine. but i never rehearsed the feeling how i wont be in kolkata anymore.
My greatest fear while growing up was that i would permanently be in that environment with a mediocre life and unfulfilled dreams. Now here i am in a first world country, studying the subject i want to, getting scholarship. its already not mediocre. and i dont want to ruin it by looking back. from my childhood i disliked many things of my life over which i had no control. i had no choice but accept it as a part of life. this is the beginning of a second life. all over again and this time i get to decide how things will be. maybe ill have a new set of dislikings. but this wonderful feeling of independence and having control on your life and getting to make your own decisions is overwhelming. as if someone has given me colours and a blank sheet of paper. with the brush in my hand, i can draw whatever picture i want. 

The world is a funny place. You give a person all the reasons to love you and want you and she/he just doesn't open her/his eyes. And some people love and care for you just like that. Not just  parents or close relatives, people who r not obliged to hv any kind of concern for you, protect and shower love.

Then there is the weird chasing game. You dont like something unless you have to chase it. But after sometime you get tired of chasing because that thing doesnt ever come to you fully.You get hurt, pause for a minute and then realise that the reason you love it is because it never surrenders to you. Then you get up and chase again. This goes on for a long time when finally you fall really hard, break your bones and bleed. When you recover, you are so scared of everything that you start running away. You become the target of the chasers now. You run and run and run till you are very tired. You feel like stopping for it. But when it catches up with you, you feel trapped. 

Happiness is deceptive.

Hate saturdays like this. Nothing to do. no rather i feel like doing nothing. the room has yellow light which makes everything even more triste. except for the getting up at 8am in the morning, i miss weekdays. atleast the day's schedule has been made for you. on weekends, you only have to make plans and involve others or just be alone. facebook is boring. so is french. i like math.
i miss india on weekends. there would be so many people at home. chats with ma. getting pampered by grandparents. going out with family to anywhere.  i could go to so many different places which are within 2km from my house.
here its just dogs and houses and more houses and dogs. i hope life at ecole polytechnique campus would be better. but i will miss pierre and domi.
one might ask, do i wish to be with my family? am i homesick? no i prefer this i guess...missing home while studying abroad  is always better than staying at home and getting frustrated and dreaming of being somewhere else.
just 2 months ago i came here. and now it seems that i was with my family ages ago.

Went to musee archaeologie that day. 

Here is something i found after many years.